Colour

Orange burns
Like a squirt in the eye
Green wilts
Before going dry
Red hurts
Sometimes at least
Blue soothes
The wound and the crease
Yellow aches
Grey sums them up
It’s the colour I feel.

Tribe

I sit on the porch
screaming kids
argue
about their world
their problems
who plays net
I do
no I do
who goes first
I do
cuz it’s
my ball
the bosses of the future are born
their years are the union
their ages bond
are their ever too many spear carriers
like too many chiefs?

Special ride

GOT TO HAVE YOUR LOVE BABE
GOT TO HAVE IT NOW
RACING WITH THE WIND BABE
I REMEMBER HOW
SWIMMING IN YOUR OCEAN
I COULD NEVER DROWN
CLIMBING ON YOUR MOUNTAINS
NEVER FALLING DOWN

SWARM YOU LIKE A BEEHIVE
TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
GOT FEEL YOUR LOVE BABE
FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE
FIT ME LIKE A GLOVE
WARM, SOFT, RAWHIDE
FOLDING LIKE A LAWN CHAIR
HUNG OUT TO BE DRIED

God I need your love babe
FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE
YOUR LOVE IS WHAT I WANT BABE
THAT CAN’T BE DENIED

Salt stains on your beaches
FROM TEARS THAT WE HAVE CRIED
FROM THE PASSION AND INTENSITY
FROM THE LAST TIME THAT WE TRIED

Swarm you like a beehive
TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
GOT FEEL YOUR LOVE BABE
FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE
FIT ME LIKE A GLOVE
WARM, SOFT, RAWHIDE


FOLDING LIKE A LAWN CHAIR
HUNG OUT TO BE DRIED

Treat you like my car girl
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL RIDE
YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN GIRL
EVERY TIME WE’VE TRIED

God I need your love babe
FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE
YOUR LOVE IS WHAT I WANT BABE
THAT CAN’T BE DENIED

YOU’RE LOVE IS WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW
THAT CANNOT BE DENIED
SWARM YOU LIKE A BEEHIVE
TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
TREAT YOU LIKE MY CAR GIRL
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL RIDE
TREAT YOU LIKE MY CAR GIRL
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL RIDE
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL RIDE
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL RIDE GIRL
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL RIDE.

Hell inside

HEAVEN’S IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
AS I STEP ON THE GAS,
THE FUTURES CLOSING IN ON ME.
THE DEVILS TRYING TO PASS!
I’M SINKING WITH THE SUNSET
DEEP INTO A TRANCE,
I’VE LAUNDERED ALL MY THOUGHTS TODAY
STILL IN MY MIND THEY DANCE.

I can’t escape reality
OR WHO YOU ARE INSIDE OF ME,
MY PREDETERMINED DESTINY?
HEAVEN’S DRAUGHTING CLOSER NOW
THE ROAD’S A ROLLER COASTER NOW
I CAN’T SEE WHAT’S IN FRONT OF ME
BUT THE DEVIL’S PASSED ME NOW, I SEE
I’M SINKING WITH THE SUNSET
DEEP INTO A TRANCE
I’VE LAUNDERED ALL MY THOUGHTS TODAY
STILL IN MY MIND THEY DANCE
STILL IN MY MIND THEY DANCE
IN MY MIND
IN MY MIND
IN MY MIND THEY DANCE
I’VE LAUNDERED ALL MY THOUGHTS TODAY
STILL IN MY MIND THEY DANCE.

I can’t escape reality
OR WHO YOU ARE INSIDE OF ME,
MY PREDETERMINED DESTINY?
HELL IS IMMORTALITY
HELL IS HERE, INSIDE OF ME
HELL
HELL


HELL
IT’S HELL
INSIDE
INSIDE IT’S FUCKING HELL INSIDE OF ME!

Seasons Change

Sprite pace of wind draws clouds in from the west
Birds fly off in silence aware of the test

Leaves placed all around by autumns roughhewn care
Crisp and brittle now that winter’s in the air

The augment the darkness and shadows disappear
Squirrels scurry gathering nuts as the inclemency gets near

Mother Nature waits on no one when she brings a change about
She quickly brings the winter in and pushes autumn out.

TRICK OR TREAT

Hard candies
LICORICE
JUJUBES
ROTTEN EGGS

Popcorn in Baggies
PEANUTS TOO
EAT MORE
POOP IN A BAG ABLAZE

Gumballs
GUM STICKS
GUMBALL SUCKERS
WATER BALLOONS

Peppermint gum
DOUBLE MINT GUM
SPEARMINT GUM
SMASHED PUMPKINS

Chips
CHEEZIES
SMARTIES
SOAPED UP WINDOWS

Toffee
CARMEL’S
POPEYE CIGARETTES
STINK BOMB


M & M CANDIES
MALTESER’S
SOUR SUCKERS
TOILET PAPER WRAPPING

Wine drops
MARSHMALLOWS
MALTED MILK BAR
NICKY, NICKY NINE DOOR


Chocolate bars
SWEETHEARTS
TOOTSIE ROLLS
SMELL MY FEET
TRICK OR TREAT?

HALLOWEEN

As Autumn crispness fills the air
FOR A NIGHT OF HAUNTING THEY ALL PREPARE

Their costumes completed with detail and care
FROM GRUESOME MASKS TO WEIRD LOOKING HAIR

As leaves whirl around them out in the street
THEY WALK AS THOUGH ON AIR, AS THEY SHUFFLE THEIR FEET

You’ll find Superman, Batman and Ninja Turtles too
COUNT DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN AND MUTATED ANIMALS ESCAPED FROM THE ZOO

When they knock at the door you’re not quite sure what to do
BUT THEN IN A FLASH IT ALL COMES BACK TO YOU

You reach in the bowl filled with candies, by the stair
EACH GETS A HANDFUL, EQUAL AND FAIR

Not overlooking the little one, way over there
AS A HUNDRED TINY THANK-YOU’S WHISPER THROUGH THE AIR

Halloween is upon us, that dark scary night
WHEN KIDS RULE THE TOWN AND GIVE GROWN-UPS A FRIGHT.

Most of my life

Been a good boy
Most of my life
Walked the walk
I was taught to walk
Most of my life
Did the best I could
Most of my life
But the good boy changed
And
Hell broke loose the day I met you
Yeah, hell broke loose
And it ain’t back yet
The sun disappeared
The sky went dark
The wind whistles by
To the song of a lark
I’d been a good boy
Most of my life
Walked the walk
I was taught to walk
Most of my life
Did the best I could
Most of my life
But the good in me changed
Because
Hell broke loose the day I met you
Yeah, hell broke loose
And it ain’t back yet
No it ain’t back yet
And won’t be back
No it won’t be back
For the rest of my life
The rest of my life.

Stoggy

Hauled back on a stoggy
Last one that I got
Took a sip of sherry
Man that hit the spot
Sittin is the life
But it sure ain’t easy
It can pay you well if you try
But I just ain’t that sleazy
I ain’t no king
Just a man on the road
I ain’t got no throne
No fancy clothes
All I got and need
Is on my back
I ain’t got no Cadillac
All I got
Is all I need
And like I said
I wear on my back
No books, no movies
No magazines
No records or CD discs
For them fancy machines
Life sure ain’t easy
And I ain’t no king
I got what I got
I don’t need me no other thing
I’m just a man on the road
And I ain’t got no throne
And no fancy clothes
All I got and need
Is on my back
I ain’t got no Cadillac
All I got
Is all I need
And like I said
I wear on my back
I guess I best be walking
To a busier part of town
Where there’s more folks
There’s usually smokes
Stoggy’s on the ground
Hauled back on a stoggy
Last one that I got
Took a sip of sherry
Man that hit the spot
Stoggy’s on the ground
Quarters in the pot.

(wrote this in tribute to
all the hobos in the world
with a special shout out
to Seasick Steve for being
such an inspiration and a
cool guy!)

Incomplete Sleep

I can’t sleep
When I close my eyes
My mind keeps on ticking
The clock keeps on thinking
My yesterdays they haunt me
Today won’t go away
And tomorrow’s rushing in
I can’t sleep no matter how I try
I can’t sleep and I don’t know why
Thinking always thinking
Sitting on the edge of a dream
Weaving thoughts of the day
And pieces in between
Running out of time
And darkness too
Till the night breaks
Till the night becomes last
It’s no wonder
I can’t sleep
No matter what I do
Tossing

Turning
My bed keeps turning
My head keeps turning
The earth keeps turning
Fading
Drifting
Then returning
I can’t sleep

Thought # 310

Which way do you roll
What’s the right way to roll
When you’re pushed
Do you roll
Do you move at all
Roll to the left or to the right
Forward roll or do you roll back
Do you move at all
Which way do you roll
Mirror mirror on the wall
What is it you see for me
What am I to be or not to be
What does the future hold for me
Should I stay right here
Or should I disappear
Do I see me
When I look in you
Or is it you
Looking back at me

Dorian’s Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall
What is it you see for me
What am I to be or not to be
What does the future hold for me
The things I see
The things I feel
I often wonder are they real
Are the things you say
The things you feel
If not
Then what is real
Is this a dream
Or somewhere in between
The life I live
Is it mine to use
To give
If so when do I lose control
Because I feel I’m losing control
If it’s mine
For how long
How will it end
Will it end like a song
Or skip like a record
On and on…

What’s going on

Death is all around me
I can't believe I'm here
A friend lies down and dies
We lose another one so dear
Another person another soul
Lost to heavens beckoning
Life is painful as we grow old
I used wish bad things would happen
To those who hurt me
or made me feel bad
Some of those people are gone
and some are the best friends I've ever had
It's funny how we change as we grow older
and how our thoughts rearrange
How what we once believed in
is now something we must change
The world itself crumbling
The tension on her outside
has her insides rumbling
As part of her evolution
I'm sure that I've let her down
I'm certain we are merely a by product
of our own design and corruption
Use the knowledge and wealth that we have
Cure what ails us correct what fails us
Instead of fighting for a piece of her
Fight for peace for her
To prevent extinction avoid destruction
The walls are closing in on me
The world is behaving terribly
The violence we were too blind to see
from a distance
Is now happening right here in front of me
What have we become
A world based on the number one
So selfish and self centered
We care about no one but ourselves
We dispose of elders and loved ones
as we do lighters and diapers and cars
Things used to last forever
Things that were dirty got washed
We took pride in what we had
and who we were.

Ain’t life funny

Ain’t life funny
Ain’t life just like a clown
Life goes up
Life goes down
Life goes round and round
All the good times passed
So fast
All the bad times surely
Seem to last
Cuz
Ain’t life funny
Funny like a clown
Life goes up and
Life goes down
The better you feel
The lower the down
Ain’t life funny
Funny like a clown
Round and round
All fall down
All fall to the ground
Ain’t life funny
Ain’t life just like a clown
Life goes up
Life goes down
Life goes round and round
Ain’t life funny
Ain’t life just like a clown
Life goes up
Life goes down
Life goes round and round
Ain’t life funny
Just like that

Love costs so much

I hear and I see
But it’s all so confusing to me
The long whip of
Her eye lashes
Cools me down as
The car crashes
Long since that day
There’s been so much to say
But time carries on
Like the words to a song
That you’ve yet to hear
Waiting and anticipating
For a word for a clue
What should you do
A change of heart
A different scene
Someplace you’ve never seen
No time for reflection
Or to pretend
Love costs more
It costs more in the end
Cold harsh words
Run out across your
Blistering lips
Warm blood trickles
Between your fingertips
How come love always costs so much
It costs so much more in the end
The things I hear and I see
They are so confusing to me
The long whip of
Her eye lashes
Cools me down as
The car crashes
Long since that day
There’s been so much to say
But time carries on
Like the words to this song
That you’ve never heard
Yeah
She takes me places that I’ve never been before
She drives me crazy like no other has before
I lay naked beside her, on the kitchen floor
I think of her until I can’t think any more
She shows me things that I’ve never seen before
So tell me
How come
Love always cost so much
So tell me
How come
Love always cost so much
It always seems to cost so much
Love always costs so much
It always costs so much
In the end
In the end
In the end
The end

Little Tiny Pills

Little tiny pills
So small
So white
Little tiny pills
Make me
Just right
Little Tiny pills

I never thought
It would be this way
When I took that little tiny pill
The other day
I felt a tingle
My heart starting beating fast
It's been three days now
How long will this last
I never knew I needed it
Until I took that little tiny pill
The other day

Little tiny pills
So small
Some white
Little tiny pills
Make me
Just right
Little tiny pills

I never knew
That I could feel this way
Where's that little tiny pill I took
The other day
I've lost the tingle
Now my heart hardly beats
It's been a few days now
Since I've been able to sleep
I need a cure, I'm ill
I need a fix, a little tiny pill I took
The other day

Little tiny pills
Little tiny pills
Little tiny pills
Making me
Little tiny pills
Make
Everything...
Just right.

Drainage

The drains are plugged
They’re full of shit
They just can’t take anymore
The drains are plugged
They’re full shit
And now it’s running out the door
The more they talk
The more it builds and fills up
The more the drains plug up
They just can’t take anymore
There’s so much from all around
There’s shit from everywhere
The drains are plugged
They’re full of shit
And no one seems to care
There’s shit from him and him and them
There’s shit from her here too
There’s shit from us and them
There’s shit from me and you
There’s so much shit
What can we do?
Although I can’t remember when
The drains weren’t plugged
But at least the shit used to move
But the drains are plugged
They’re full of shit
And if we don’t act soon
All this shit’ll really back up
And it’ll fill this whole fucking room
So, shut your mouth and move your ass
And maybe all this shit will pass, soon.

Never the same again

Today
You're too old they say
You're no good
But the things I used to do
They never could
Getting beat up once or twice
isn't so bad I suppose
Unless it's daily for three or four years
It's then the feeling grows
Life takes on a new meaning
Every moment is filled with fear
Often times wondering
How'd I ever get to here
Different for no reason
But quite apparently so
Those feelings felt so strong
and so long ago
Those feelings are still strong
and they just won't go
Haunting every moment the past stays alive
Feeding on my fears to survive
Trying to belong
Since I can first remember
I was so innocent and tender
Curious and kind
Never the pretender
Never one to mind
Walking with an open heart
Open for the taking
Innocently breaking
But first came the mind

You're a bad person they say
You're no good
Then they chased me away
How bad can you be
Being barely as old as the day
What can be done
About what was done
When it was done without you
Words said in anger
Trying to even the score
With other words said in anger
Some time before
Words that started a war
Words that were said before
Then came the fight
A personal war
You get pushed, you get shoved
Until no more
Backed into a corner
The teddy bear strikes back
No one there at the time
No one ahead
No one behind
Just me alone in the line
Feeling bad but doing fine
It's tough getting there
It's an uphill climb
And the harder you try
It gets harder I find
But in the end
When the end comes
And it will
Everyone gets a chance, a second chance
To get even, to spill
The harder you try
The bigger the hill
But get there you will
I'm still trying
But mine is one big fucking hill
Next came the heart

A big one for me
Both mine
And the one that belongs to me
Big enough to share
Large enough to spare
Thoughts, feelings and emotions
Stretching from here to there
Love at first sight
Like a bee sting
A bug bite
Not unlike
The tender itch
Of loves first bite
Came to me with Herculean might
Over hill and over dale
Through hoarfrost snow
And driving hail
Caring not for what I should
Only wanting for what I could
Seeing only what I saw
Not remembering
The seeing I saw
Were it not for blinding love
I could perhaps have risen above
The perpetuation and obsession
I confused with love
Next came family

First and foremost
First for most
And second to none
You only have one
Being a loner isn't much fun
Losing touch with my Father
Father with Son
First loss came very young
I lost my Father
I lost him through the things I'd done
I can't tell you when or how
But I know I'm the one
Who lost my Father his loving Son
God Bless him for he's still living
And may he live on and on
There are the losses I shall never forget
Friends and friends and friends all my age
Doing things that we did to battle the rage
The blur of those two decades
Sometimes overwhelms me
My life has changes
I'm scared and it serves me right
I suppose
The burden is the luggage of blame
But the first loss from home
Came from far away
But cut deep into my innocence
Followed quickly by another
The deepest cut of all
I came and felt
As though it were my own heart
Cutting deep, cutting hard
Torn from my arms
Tearing me apart
As I celebrate that loss
I honour her heart
Then there was peace
But not without distress
Not without worry
God Bless
But peace does not last
All things must pass
But Such a loss
Such a terrible loss
Losing a loved one
Is like losing a limb
Life goes on
But you're never the same again.

That Thou Art

Tat Tvam Asi
Tat Tvam Asi
Om…
Satyam Eva Jayate
Tat Tvam Asi
Tat Tvam Asi
Om…
Om…
Brahman be with you
Tat Tvam Asi
Tat Tvam Asi
Awake and be conscious
In you and in me
Brahman, Atman
Inside you and me
Be your own light so that you may see
Tat Tvam Asi
Tat Tvam Asi
Peace be with you eternally
Tat Tvam Asi
Tat Tvam Asi
Sleep in silence and without desire
Brahman, Atman
Will take you higher
To where life is dreams
Tat Tvam Asi
Tat Tvam Asi
Om…
Om…
Tat Tvam Asi Tat Tvam Asi

I wanna be a soldier

(Too young to drink
Too young to vote
But not young to die
Such a young guy yet so grown up
I often ask myself why)

Dad, I wanna be a soldier
I remember hearing him say
A young boys dream
A game that they play
Day by day
Inch by inch
I watched as he grew into a man
Guiding and directing him
Doing the best I can
I taught him honesty
And integrity
To honour and respect
To bow his head in gratitude
When he takes time to reflect
On the many who came and went before
To fight for peace and freedom
And so much more
Dad, I wanna be soldier
Are the words that echo on that day
As I stood on the tarmac
Wishing him well as he went on his way
The last words that he said to me were
Don’t worry Dad, I’ll be okay
I see him still
Running through the yard
My little soldier boy
On that summer day
Bang, bang, he said
As he fired his toy gun
Nah, you missed me, said the other kid
And continued to run away
My fists are clenched
My legs are weak
My eyes are filled with tears
I can’t speak
Standing on this overpass
For what seems like years
My Son is coming home today
He’s coming home for good
Never, ever to be taken away again
My Son is a soldier
My Son is a hero
My Son has come home to rest
And he’s home to stay!

Today

Take one of these the doctor said
They’ll help you sleep
They’ll ease your head
So slept some after I took one
It felt good to go to sleep
To let someone else my worries keep
But time went by but my worries
Stayed close by
Before too long
The days grew long
And once again I couldn’t sleep
Instead one pill
I took two
And for a few weeks two would do
But just last night
Things weren’t right
And the two would no longer do
Try as I might
I held my eyes shut tight
But sleep would not come
Thoughts raced through my mind
Thoughts I’ve thought a thousand times
I worry and fret
Until I’m in a cold sweat
The seconds tick by
My how time flies when you need sleep...


Not sure what date the blog will show....but today is Sunday October 18,2009.

So here I sit @ 10:32 am in front of the computer blogging to you, if you or anyone is out there or actually reading any of this, instead of sitting at the breakfast table in our favourite restaurant, with my wife and mother-in-law, on this my 55th birthday. But the moon shifted and caused some sort of relationship paradigm last night and the two pills didn't do a thing. I sat worried, pondered, and beat myself to sleep by 3:45 am which was the last time I saw. Being unable to sleep is one thing but when it affects others, especially in the same bed it seems unfair for both to suffer. So off to the living room and the comfort of either a recliner that leans to the right, a big cushy chair and ottoman, or a couch that's too short for me. I manage to manipulate myself into my only position of comfort when it comes to sleeping...fetal, facing right, knees tucked and a pillow or blanket between them. Eventually sleep comes.
Anyway, now it's morning and for my first experience of the today I had a headache and stomach ache and didn't exactly unbend from my 5 hour fetal mould very quickly either. Breakfast was 800 mg of ibuprofen, 30 mg prevacid, 20 mg Oxycontin and 5 mg prednisone, 1 cup of earl grey tea (black, 2 sugar, 190deg.F)
Rather than ruin breakfast on my own birthday I opted out and asked my wife to go on her own so that her and Mum would enjoy themselves as opposed to being pre-occupied or concerned about me.
It's almost 11:00 am now and my sister has called to wish me a happy b-day and right afterwards my Mom and Dad called. I opened a card from my Mom and Dad, and one from my Tante Irmgard backm in Germany.
It's funny the older you get the more what birthdays really mean changes. As a youth and while growing up it seems to be about gifts, presents etc., at first and then big parties as you get older and then you get to a point where you realize it's all about aging and maturing gracefully, with dignity, and how you are received by your family, friends and peers.You can't take anything with you when you leave, including all material things and even memories...BUT...you can leave so much behind! You can leave a legacy, thoughts, projects yet to be completed; now carried on by others, you can leave a mark of your presence. The type of mark, colour, brightness, emotion, affection, love or whatever other attributes that accompany it are entirely up to you. From great ancestors, Great Grand Parents, Grand Parents to parents to children to Grand Chldren and so on. I have shown, expressed and been many things within the family but none of them are truer or more real than the person I am and have been for the past several years.
I think I am suffering from depression and it's having it's way with me at times.
Last night I would have giving anything to have my wife come down and take me by the hand and bring me back up to bed. I understand in the past this was a time of reluctance because Im would do the same thing, go downstairs and wait for her to come a get me but I wasn't at the point I am at now. I was waiting to continue controlling and arguing with her through the night over the stupidest of things sometimes. So when I say I understand her reluctance to go back in time to that place it is because I know I was wrong and totally selfish...but now when at a time that I truly need to be comforted, to be held close and even moreso need to be reassured of who I am. Last night I could've been led like a small child, back into bed and cuddled to sleep...and at this moment I look back and wish I had not left in the first place. I feel alone even though I'm not, I feel abandoned even though I'm not...I honestly need to feel all the same things and feelings that I try so hard to make everyone in the family feel and hear everyday. I love you all! I need you all! I want you all! God Bless you all!

Not good enough

I KNOW I KNOW SHE SAID
WITH A WAVE OF HER HAND
MY LIFE’S A MESS TOO SHE ADDED
BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND
ALTHOUGH THESE WORDS STILL ECHO IN MY MIND
WHAT WAS I TO SAY OR DO
I’VE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR TOO SHE SAID
HE SAYS I’M AS BAD OFF AS YOU


I’m not looking for your sympathy thanks
I CAN FLY LOW ENOUGH ON MY OWN
AND I’M FULLY STOCKED ON PAIN AND SELF PITY
EXPRESSED BY MY MELLOW DRAMA DRONE

Indifference, misunderstanding and confusion
ARE ALL PART OF LIFE’S TEST
BUT THE ENDURANCE OF SAME SURE IS TOUGH
WHEN THOSE WHO LOVE YOU
SEE YOU LIKE ALL THE REST

On my face that once smiled at everything and everyone
LUNAR DIMPLES AND ALL
I SEE ETCHED THE FROWNS OF PAIN
Life offers little humour now for me
HERE IN THE MIDST OF THIS FALL

How low can you go
I’M NOT REALLY SURE
I’M NOT SURE I CARE
I CAN’T SEE THE BOTTOM


FROM OR FROM THERE
SO I MUST BE SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
BUT I’M WASTING MY BREATH CAUSE
YOU ALREADY KNOW
HOW I FEEL
AND EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN

I’m sorry if I weigh you down
WITH THE OCCASIONAL LIMP
AND MY PERMA-FROST FROWN
BUT ALL I REALLY WANTED
WAS TO EXPLAIN MY SITUATION TO YOU
I THOUGHT THAT I COULD CLARIFY
MY ABSENCE AND WHATEVER IT IS
YOU THINK I DO

But like everything else in my life
IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
IT JUST WON’T DO




SO WITH A TEAR IN MY HEART
I WATCH AS YOU LEAVE
WEARING THE DRESS I REMEMBER
AS A CHILD
THE ONE I ALWAYS WANTED TO CLING TO
I LOVE YOU.

Waking up

Woke up
WITH A PAIN INSIDE MY HEAD
SAT UP
AT THE EDGE OF THE BED
THOUGHT ABOUT
SLEEPING SOME MORE
BUT MY BACK ACHES TOO
AND MY LEGS
I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP ANY MORE
I CAN’T SLEEP WITH THE PAIN
I CAN’T REST WITH THE PAIN
I CAN’T SMILE WITH THE PAIN
FEELS LIKE I’LL NEVER SMILE AGAIN
I COULD TAKE SOME PILLS
TO HELP WITH THE PAIN
BUT I TAKE TOO MANY PILLS
THEY FUCK UP MY BRAIN
TOO MANY PILLS
TOO MUCH PAIN
DO I GET UP AND MEDICATE
THEN SHOWER TO HELP ALLEVIATE
THE PAIN
PAIN RUNS MY LIFE
PAIN STARTS THE SHOW
PAIN RULES MY WORLD
EVERYWHERE I GO
PAIN WHEN I’M HAPPY
PAIN WHEN I’M SAD
PAIN BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER
THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD
PAIN WHEN I’M PLAYING
PAIN WHEN I’M NOT

ONCE ON MY BIRTHDAY
PAIN WAS ALL I GOT
IT’S HARD TO EXPLAIN PAIN
BUT IT’S EASY TO SEE
I’M LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE
AT THE PAIN INSIDE ME
LATE AT NIGHT
OR AT THE BREAK OF DAWN
WHEN I’M AT WORK
OR PARTYING
BRING THE PAIN ON
IT DOSEN’T MATTER MUCH TO ME
HOW I FEEL INSIDE
WHAT BOTHERS ME MOST I THINK
IS THE PAIN IS HARD TO HIDE
WHAT’S THE MATTER
ARE YOU OKAY
AND I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
ARE THE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY
ITS NOT THAT I MIND ANSWERING
OR TELLING WHAT IS WRONG
IT’S JUST DAY AFTER DAY
IT’S A BROKEN RECORD
PLAYING THE SAME OLD SONG
WOKE UP
WITH A PAIN INSIDE MY HEAD

Irene

Sweet Irene, I’ve a few things to say before I leave
I don’t know why
Nor do I care about
How or when or why
We met
But we met for a reason
And now I have to go
Now sure why or how I know
But the time has come
Though we met just hours ago
Yes, I know
It seems like a lifetime ago
Perhaps it was some time ago
Some time ago that’s passed
Or is today the day
Dear Irene, when I close my eyes I dream
Not sure why I dream
But I know what I dream about
I dream about you

Love

This post is for my wife who I love dearly. We have been married for coming up to 26 years this December. I can't remember life before that day we met and then got married. I have changed more than I ever thought possible and all for the better and all thanks to my wife. There are many things i could think of writing about but most of them are too personal and until matters are figured out or worked out I don't feel it's fair to discuss them openly at least not at this point.
My first point I have already mentioned, I love my wife dearly. She has been so much more than a wife to me. My best friend, my partner, my buddy, my lover, my nurse and angel of mercy. She has seen me through some of the worst moments and times of my life. She never once blinked or batted an eye when confronted with any of my many screw ups. In fact she did the opposite, she knuckled and supported me through each and every mess. Claiming from the first moments that I was a diamond in the rough, that she could see right through all my luggage and into my heart. God Bless her for seeing and saying that and then standing by her word to polish me into who she knew I was.
I have never met a person like her. Her love and compassion is totally without boundary or conviction. I would not be writing this were it not for her.
I sit on in the early morn of my 55th birthday @ 1:51 am unable to sleep as a result of something I'll mention at a later date...but in case anyone of importance should happen to read this...I'm referring to an accident I was in.
Colette, I love you with all my heart and try harder and harder every day to please you, to make you happy. Lately my mind has not been clear at times and I can't understand it but I feel that I am changing. Aging, getting older, I expect it and accept it but certain aspects of it scare me. As long as we're together I'm not worried about being scared...it's being misunderstood, or having my words or mannerisms misinterpreted. There's a certain comfort, familiarity, in feeling at home, in being so close as to feel apart of one another. I need that. I need you.This blog is basically because of you so I suppose it's for you...after all, most of what I've written I've written either for you, to you, or because of you...and the rest were to impress you...from your grateful husband.

Bloodless

There’s nothing left
No tears to weep
It’s too far gone
The wounds too deep
I feel it now
Turning inside out
Crimson, green and grey
Too weak to shout
I’ve been here before
Of that there’s no doubt
Unfortunately though
This time there’s no way out
My thoughts have all left me now
I see no evil and fear not a thing
I hear and say what I want
Hear the bell ring
As the round comes to an end
There’s nothing left
No blood to bleed
Like a Mandrake root
The Devil’s seed
No imagination
My dreams are all real
I open my eyes
I walk, I creep
No escaping the pain that I feel
The cost never changes
There’s no wheel to deal
No secrets to steal
Purge the evil within
Erase all traces of where I’ve been
Silence the beast
Let it speak no more
Dead silence in between
Pain is the sensation of life
Sent to remind us to live
Compassion is what
Makes us feel
Makes us give
Understanding is what
Equalizes us all
Puts us on the same page
Love is the glue
That keeps us all together
No matter our colour,
Sex or age.

Stay

White on white and a touch of gray
Is how I saw you as you lay
In depression and selfish anger
in hospital that day.
I don’t ever remember seeing you like this
As I leaned in close and gave you a kiss
It’s moments like this
And you back at home that I’ll miss
A twinkle in your eyes and a faint smile on your lips
the gentle healing touch of your fingertips.
Your soothing words calmed me when I cried
when I was lost you were my guide.
It hurts to sit here now and listen to you saying
all those things you wish would happen to you
every night as you are praying.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time
I’d take you back to banks of the Rhine
A perfect place
A better time
Although you’ve given all that you can for me
there’s one one more thing I’d like
and it won’t come easily.
For you to gather your strength and energy
To fight and win as best you can,
please stay,
please,
do it for me.

Depressions resolve

How stupid can I be
How deep can I go
Trying hard to break free
Of this feeling so low
I feel so fucked up
at times I’m sure that you know
but I’ll never give in
whether it comes fast or slow.

I’ve never recognized depression before
But I know it well now
lying her on the floor.
My body’s shaking
and every bone’s aching.
But there’s no Goddamned way
I’m ever giving in
No way! Not today!

Remember

I remember once when you went away
I counted the seconds, day by day
Each day that passed that I spent without you
The pain in my heart from your absence grew

At times like a ghost I thought your were there
Warm scent of your skin and your long silky hair
Your voice echoes softly through the rooms of my mind
I find treasures of words you spoke, all of them kind

So think of me as each day goes by and remember as you do
Your thoughts will all be greeted by my own warms thoughts of you.

Spare change

The colour has faded
The trees stand naked
Snow wisps through the air
People with no shoes walk the streets
Sorrow and pain everywhere

Winter is upon us again
The season of joy is near
The shoppers are shopping
So gleeful and happy, filled with Christmas cheer

Discouraged and dismal
They wander the street
To them a gift is simple
Some warmth and a bite to eat

A subway grid or stairwell
Is often what they call home
The time they need some company
Is the time they spend alone

Give what you can
Give generously
The streets are unforgiving
For them, for you and for me.

Pain

It comes to me every day
Greets me like an old friend
Some mornings it will not let me rise

Twenty years now it’s beckoned me

Though each movement hurts I will not give in
I will not be broken by its weight

At times it has drawn me deep into its lugubrious hole
but now I’ve grown quite accustomed to its ubiquity now

It’s mine not to offer
It’s mine to keep

The pathos only I feel I share through lament
God, how my emotions run empty at times

To go back now is only possible in dreams
Sleep when it comes brings relief

Changes come quickly; like the weather

It feels easier now.

The Chair

If I could get loose from this chair
I’d stand up, walk away with no care
But this damn pain has got me locked tight in this place
Sarcastic remarks from a miserable face.

If I could get loose from this chair
I could do without your sympathy just knowing you care
But my body’s so sore I could shout out loud
Leave me alone, go away, I used to walk so tall and proud

If I could get loose from this chair
I’ve got energy saved up and plenty to spare
I know I could easily get from here to there
If only I could get loose from this goddamned chair!

Divided

Love and expectations
I could never tell them apart

How close in love can we possibly get
When we’re so far apart

We can travel
In spaces divided

Dark and lonely ones
Our malnourished love has provided

And though there may be happy moments
In between

To tell you the truth
I like love better in a dream!

Push

You can push me
but you can’t make me
you may crack me
but you’ll never break me
you raped my conscience
shattered my mind
with words and thoughts unkind
I live each day with me
finally finding consistency
I know about anger
it’ll choke you out of your convictions
how many times have we talked all night
fire and brimstone in a ribbon of love
sitting on the edge of a fight
night after night
but one thing is certain
no matter how many times we do this
one day I swear we’ll get through this.

It gets harder I find

It gets harder I find

It’s a struggle
An uphill climb
The harder I try
It gets harder I find
One step forward
Then a few steps behind
Always smoking
But never catching fire
Rolling with the punches
Dealing with a liar
Never quite making it
When the stakes keep getting higher
Don’t know if I can make it this time
I’ve stepped to far beyond the line
It’s a struggle
An uphill climb
The harder I try
It gets harder I find
Being fair may not be the only way to be
But it’s all I know and it’s only the way for me
The problem lies within the honesty
The problem I’ve been told lies within me
I chased the rainbow only to find
It goes on forever
But in time I did find
What I already know
There’d be nothing
Empty, black space
Nothing, not me or even you
For it’s in what me make and what we do
It’s a struggle
An uphill climb
The harder I try
It gets harder I find.

Mathis - One source I found claims the following;
derived from the Old Parish of Meathie or Mathie, united to that of Inverness in 1612, and suppressed in June 1667. It may also be a diminutive of Mathew, but the surname is more likely to have arisen from the place in Scotland. The Clan MacMathan or Matheson are from the same source as the MacKenzies and as the chief of the Mathesons is reported in 1427 to have had 2,000 men, the Clan Matheson was then as powerful as the more famous MacKenzies. The clan was divided into two main branches, those of Lochalsh, and those of Shiness in Sutherland. Of the former was John Dubh Matheson, who was Constable of Eilean Donan Castle when Donald Gorm of Sleat attacked it in 1539. Donald Gorm was killed by an arrow of the defenders and John Dubh by an arrow of the besiegers. From John Dubh's son, Murchadh Buidhe, of Fernaig and Balmacarra are descended the families of Bennetsfield, Iomaire and Glas-na-Muclach. The Mathesons of Sutherland were an offshoot from the Lochalsh family are are mentioned in the 15th century. They are represented by the Mathesons of Shiness, Achany and the Lews. John Matheson of the Lochalsh family purchased Attadale in 1730. John, 4th of Attadale, married Margaret, daughter of Donald Matheson of Shiness, and their son Alexander, born in 1805, was the first baronet of Lochalsh. Sir Alexander made a large fortune in the East, and on his return he purchased estates in Ross-shire extending to over 220,000 acres at a total cost of seven hundred and seventy three thousand pounds and spent three hundred thousand pounds in land improvement and building. James Sutherland Matheson, of the Shiness family born in 1796, was one of the founders of the firm of Jardine, Matheson and Co. He purchased the island of Lewis in 1844 and was created a Baronet in 1851 for his munifence to the people of Lewis during the famine of 1845-46. In many parts of central and western Europe, hereditary surnames began to become fixed at around the 12th century, and have developed and changed slowly over the years. As society became more complex, and such matters as the management of tenure, and in particular the collection of taxes were delegated to special functionaries, it became imperative to distinguish a more complex system of nomenclature to differentiate one individual from another. Or not!