Today

Take one of these the doctor said
They’ll help you sleep
They’ll ease your head
So slept some after I took one
It felt good to go to sleep
To let someone else my worries keep
But time went by but my worries
Stayed close by
Before too long
The days grew long
And once again I couldn’t sleep
Instead one pill
I took two
And for a few weeks two would do
But just last night
Things weren’t right
And the two would no longer do
Try as I might
I held my eyes shut tight
But sleep would not come
Thoughts raced through my mind
Thoughts I’ve thought a thousand times
I worry and fret
Until I’m in a cold sweat
The seconds tick by
My how time flies when you need sleep...


Not sure what date the blog will show....but today is Sunday October 18,2009.

So here I sit @ 10:32 am in front of the computer blogging to you, if you or anyone is out there or actually reading any of this, instead of sitting at the breakfast table in our favourite restaurant, with my wife and mother-in-law, on this my 55th birthday. But the moon shifted and caused some sort of relationship paradigm last night and the two pills didn't do a thing. I sat worried, pondered, and beat myself to sleep by 3:45 am which was the last time I saw. Being unable to sleep is one thing but when it affects others, especially in the same bed it seems unfair for both to suffer. So off to the living room and the comfort of either a recliner that leans to the right, a big cushy chair and ottoman, or a couch that's too short for me. I manage to manipulate myself into my only position of comfort when it comes to sleeping...fetal, facing right, knees tucked and a pillow or blanket between them. Eventually sleep comes.
Anyway, now it's morning and for my first experience of the today I had a headache and stomach ache and didn't exactly unbend from my 5 hour fetal mould very quickly either. Breakfast was 800 mg of ibuprofen, 30 mg prevacid, 20 mg Oxycontin and 5 mg prednisone, 1 cup of earl grey tea (black, 2 sugar, 190deg.F)
Rather than ruin breakfast on my own birthday I opted out and asked my wife to go on her own so that her and Mum would enjoy themselves as opposed to being pre-occupied or concerned about me.
It's almost 11:00 am now and my sister has called to wish me a happy b-day and right afterwards my Mom and Dad called. I opened a card from my Mom and Dad, and one from my Tante Irmgard backm in Germany.
It's funny the older you get the more what birthdays really mean changes. As a youth and while growing up it seems to be about gifts, presents etc., at first and then big parties as you get older and then you get to a point where you realize it's all about aging and maturing gracefully, with dignity, and how you are received by your family, friends and peers.You can't take anything with you when you leave, including all material things and even memories...BUT...you can leave so much behind! You can leave a legacy, thoughts, projects yet to be completed; now carried on by others, you can leave a mark of your presence. The type of mark, colour, brightness, emotion, affection, love or whatever other attributes that accompany it are entirely up to you. From great ancestors, Great Grand Parents, Grand Parents to parents to children to Grand Chldren and so on. I have shown, expressed and been many things within the family but none of them are truer or more real than the person I am and have been for the past several years.
I think I am suffering from depression and it's having it's way with me at times.
Last night I would have giving anything to have my wife come down and take me by the hand and bring me back up to bed. I understand in the past this was a time of reluctance because Im would do the same thing, go downstairs and wait for her to come a get me but I wasn't at the point I am at now. I was waiting to continue controlling and arguing with her through the night over the stupidest of things sometimes. So when I say I understand her reluctance to go back in time to that place it is because I know I was wrong and totally selfish...but now when at a time that I truly need to be comforted, to be held close and even moreso need to be reassured of who I am. Last night I could've been led like a small child, back into bed and cuddled to sleep...and at this moment I look back and wish I had not left in the first place. I feel alone even though I'm not, I feel abandoned even though I'm not...I honestly need to feel all the same things and feelings that I try so hard to make everyone in the family feel and hear everyday. I love you all! I need you all! I want you all! God Bless you all!