Never the same again

Today
You're too old they say
You're no good
But the things I used to do
They never could
Getting beat up once or twice
isn't so bad I suppose
Unless it's daily for three or four years
It's then the feeling grows
Life takes on a new meaning
Every moment is filled with fear
Often times wondering
How'd I ever get to here
Different for no reason
But quite apparently so
Those feelings felt so strong
and so long ago
Those feelings are still strong
and they just won't go
Haunting every moment the past stays alive
Feeding on my fears to survive
Trying to belong
Since I can first remember
I was so innocent and tender
Curious and kind
Never the pretender
Never one to mind
Walking with an open heart
Open for the taking
Innocently breaking
But first came the mind

You're a bad person they say
You're no good
Then they chased me away
How bad can you be
Being barely as old as the day
What can be done
About what was done
When it was done without you
Words said in anger
Trying to even the score
With other words said in anger
Some time before
Words that started a war
Words that were said before
Then came the fight
A personal war
You get pushed, you get shoved
Until no more
Backed into a corner
The teddy bear strikes back
No one there at the time
No one ahead
No one behind
Just me alone in the line
Feeling bad but doing fine
It's tough getting there
It's an uphill climb
And the harder you try
It gets harder I find
But in the end
When the end comes
And it will
Everyone gets a chance, a second chance
To get even, to spill
The harder you try
The bigger the hill
But get there you will
I'm still trying
But mine is one big fucking hill
Next came the heart

A big one for me
Both mine
And the one that belongs to me
Big enough to share
Large enough to spare
Thoughts, feelings and emotions
Stretching from here to there
Love at first sight
Like a bee sting
A bug bite
Not unlike
The tender itch
Of loves first bite
Came to me with Herculean might
Over hill and over dale
Through hoarfrost snow
And driving hail
Caring not for what I should
Only wanting for what I could
Seeing only what I saw
Not remembering
The seeing I saw
Were it not for blinding love
I could perhaps have risen above
The perpetuation and obsession
I confused with love
Next came family

First and foremost
First for most
And second to none
You only have one
Being a loner isn't much fun
Losing touch with my Father
Father with Son
First loss came very young
I lost my Father
I lost him through the things I'd done
I can't tell you when or how
But I know I'm the one
Who lost my Father his loving Son
God Bless him for he's still living
And may he live on and on
There are the losses I shall never forget
Friends and friends and friends all my age
Doing things that we did to battle the rage
The blur of those two decades
Sometimes overwhelms me
My life has changes
I'm scared and it serves me right
I suppose
The burden is the luggage of blame
But the first loss from home
Came from far away
But cut deep into my innocence
Followed quickly by another
The deepest cut of all
I came and felt
As though it were my own heart
Cutting deep, cutting hard
Torn from my arms
Tearing me apart
As I celebrate that loss
I honour her heart
Then there was peace
But not without distress
Not without worry
God Bless
But peace does not last
All things must pass
But Such a loss
Such a terrible loss
Losing a loved one
Is like losing a limb
Life goes on
But you're never the same again.