Fleeting yet again

Time is just time
isn't it
time is in the way
time is that someone
I wish I'd never met
time is my friend
but time and the mind
can be so cruel
so unkind
time stares you blankly in the face.

there they are
standing in line
p  e  r  fectly again
waiting as if to say
here we are
you know how
you know where to find us
everyday just reach and
take me, take us all
for granted if you will
but take us let us kill
together you and I
you were never good at anything
especially resistance
but you're good at this
so who cares
there's one in every crowd
there's one that rises above the clouds
take me if you dare
I will take you there
whites, blues, pinks
clears
spinning smelting
spiralling symphony
medley of medical slurry
take the next one
what's your hurry
hurry.

you can't count on people anymore
you can only count them now
whatever happened to time
the only thing that we all have
whatever happened to caring
reaching out and sharing
getting to know one another
if you were cold you'd be offered shelter
if you were hungry a meal was provided for you
now we all just stand there and stare
blankly and do nothing
if your feet were sore a massage
or the mend of a sole
when your mouth was dry
water to quench your thrist
and a tale for the soul
standing and staring
lying and dying
the end of optimism
the death of trying.

None of this was ever planned

I don't expect you to understand
because none of this ever was planned
I heard a sound from you or was it me
they always seems to come from so far away
as we lay in bed last night
slipping into sleep under the Christmas lights
just like in the old days we did it right
I could feel something slipping away
I hope it was just the day
I can't lose anymore of you or me
I cling to you so tightly
through each and every night now
I'm afraid of being alone
I put on the station we listen to
when we're alone just we two
I'm done telling you I can't tell you anymore
I can feel you though unlike ever before
I have connected, connected well with you
but my pain swallows you now too
so well connected that my pain hurts you too
but I don't expect you to understand
because none of this was ever planned
I feel ugly I feel decayed
cancerous contagious
deformed and deranged
health and well being delayed
when you're not close by
I sometimes sit in the dark and cry
thoughts of horror and pain
seduce me and reduce me
knots of burning itching pain
thoughts of suicide again
uncontrollable physical discomfort
to the point I can't explain
between the fingers and toes
feels as though something grows
withdrawal or evil I suppose
no one knows where evil grows
but it knows it grows in me
I know it grows in me I feel it sometimes
I hate it
I don't want that shit growing in me
spreading like warm butter on toast
running and soaking into every pore
I was hoping you wouldn't understand
because none of this was ever planned
and now there you stand
with that look on your face
with that stare in your eye
please don't do that
you know it makes me cry
you can't understand the reason why
okay just one cup of tea then I'll die
but only if you promise not to ask me if I'd lie
something drew me near closer to the fire
and now it seems every time you are near
evil closes in on me
and the flames keep getting higher
but then I don't expect you to understand
because none of this shit was ever was planned
please just close the door
and help me pray that all this will go away
my tea is done and it's dying time
you held up your end of the bargain and never asked
no I have to do mine
its cold, I am so cold
its too dark to see
there are stars above me
is it night time
what's happening to me
where am I
are you close to me
I don't feel sick
and I don't feel well
I can't tell how I feel
But I think I've changed my mind
I've had a change of heart
don't try to understand
because none of this was planned
preconceived or contrived
perhaps a premonition
the things we do and how we react
depend upon a momentary condition
a chain reaction caused by
a split second decision
I've tried all kinds of ways
to try and make it stop
all of those empty words
on the tips of empty tongues
inside of empty mouths
inside of empty heads
isn't that enough emptiness
don't you think enough has been said
fuck the race, fuck the pace
nothing to understand; no plan
wait I feel hot, I feel so hot
I feel a fire burning in me
burning deep inside of me
a fire deep inside of me
take my hand feel the heat
kiss my lips the burning heat
I feel so hot, too hot
I'm burning up, I feel so hot
it's burning me, it keeps burning me
it's got a hold on me and won't let go
I can't cool down, it won't let me be
I can't escape, I can't break free
another time another place
looks like the end for me

Death is a Gift

Most people don’t

Think the way I do

To me death is a gift

No longer living

In pointless pain

By choosing death

I’m in control again

Able to let loose the darkness

Gathered deep in my heart
I travelled back in time
to the innocence at the start

Simple enough it seems

To let your fortunes go

One by one as they slip away
Your feelings begin to show
Stripped bare of all material things

Without any cares or concerns

Remember me as the one
Who loved you with all his heart

Who gave up all his earns

Who was never alone
in sickness nor in health
nor my darkest hour

Who departed at will
but not before

glancing back at you.

Company for dead lips

glazed eyes
cold skin
breathless
organ less
within
step closer
feel the hand
cold dead skin
kiss the lips
cold dead lips
remember the love
don't be afraid
kiss the lips
they look so nice
kiss the lips
and turn to ice
hold the body
stiff and tight
hold the body
embrace the night
the powers of darkness
will show you the light
look into those eyes
looking inside your mind
relax and let go
step closer
take the hand
and you will grow old
kiss the lips
come closer
they look so nice
kiss my lips
and turn to ice
kiss my lips
come into my frozen world
kiss my lips
make it right
stay beside me now
what greater thing
could there ever be
than to be together
forever with me
look into my cold
blank eyes and see
your future is a dream
join me

I love you Clyde

Thoughts of war

I remember
potato peel soup
tin can porridge
each morning you forage
you do what it takes
you eat what it makes
to survive
bones and marrow
salt is gold
water wine
life inside
is fine
life in a bunker
for a time
sunshine
when you can
when you can go out
life outside
is fearful
life outside the bunker
is loud
smells of decay
and sadness
nothing is the same
no one remains
scurrying like rats
among the rats
gathering with fear
whatever it takes
to survive
taking, wearing
dead men's clothes
and shoes
air raid drills
the daily news
how many more dead
the thick damp
musty air
in the bunker
a baby's first breath
of air
in there
iodine and cigarettes
cleanse and cauterize
shoe polish in the still
methanol on my breath
infection is death.

I was afraid
to venture past
the sand bags and
abandoned machine gun nests
I managed to once
I was frozen in my steps
there were ten
no twenty
there had to be a hundred
dead bodies
in various forms
decomposition
filled the air
grabbed my guts
I couldn't tell which side
any of them were from
as my guts burned
I puked until bile bleed
out from my eyes
at the horrible sight before me
that had me totally
unable to do anything but
puke and cry
puke and cry
feverish, blisters,
festering wounds
the stench
from the trench
where the dead lay
dear God
help me erase that day
make it through today.

One other day found me
searching for water
a canteen
I had seen
my luck
would find me
in place I'd never been
ankle deep in mud
and blood
rats were everywhere
there was so much blood
you could smell it's
sweet metallic odour
rats scurrying
gnawing, eating the dead
eating the dead!
I spotted three of them
huddled together
two were faceless
mortar shell I assumed
the third a young boy
no more than 19
I took his canteen
and then removed another
from the first faceless ones
severed arm
retrieving the third one
out of the red mud
I thanked them as I left
I had water
at least till tomorrow.

The slow winding sound
of the air raid siren
breaking through the air
again and then
whistling of bombs
and more bombs
falling from above
we all begin
the routine run
back into the bunkers
the ground shaking
earthquaking all around
machine gun fire
pecking through the air
like woodpeckers
the shouts of soldiers
attacking, running
lying, dying
people screaming
racing, pushing
and shoving
fear has children
pushed and left
as equal
they're shopping
for their life
and nothing, no one
can stop them
as they trample each other
stampede like wild animals
to be safe, perhaps.
When the door closes
the sound of bombs
and more bombs cover
the sounds of terror
sounds of abandonment
the sounds of death
Each time the door closes
is not without cost
new friends made
and old friends lost.

The streets are quiet
the dying are dead
children playing run over
under, around the rubble
without a care
the only know one thing
they only know to play
they only know war
the dead are part
of their environment
their neighbourhood
a graveyard
where friends and neighbours
lay and play

where a stone is the world

one child is all children
what will they bring
or take from this place
anger, hatred and guns
living in the danger zone

this war is all wars
introspective remembrance
numbs the mind
silences the tongue
blinds the eyes
witnessed the execution of
a priest and seven nuns
how can this be war
this makes no sense
killing innocents
the scars are deep
and for years
they will keep
the secret inside
deeply darkened
sad faces...

take my hand and we

will find a new home

a fresh start....

war pictures thanks to Illustrated History : Relive the times
http://incredibleimages4u.blogspot.com/

A talk with Him

I've been waiting
since the day that I left
to be born again
I've been waiting
yes waiting
since the day that I left
waiting for another chance
to stay dry in the rain
I have faded
faded enough I feel
My thoughts are pure not jaded
The darkness, the other side
the right side and the left
I`ve been waiting
contemplating
since the day that I left
will I be born again
or was I hung out to dry
left hanging
in anger and fear
is there no way out of here
what the hell is this
what kind of heaven is this
you can take it
I don`t want it
I don`t want this
Imagine, all this
because of a kiss
and I was not the giver
I was the goat
in a herd of sheep.

I'm waiting
painfully waiting
for the calling
I am waiting
to be born again
Another chance
to feel it again
A second chance
to be real again.

I've been waiting
since the day that I left
to get up
and just walk away
but I'm stuck waiting
It`s all up to you
my anticipating.

Pull these nails
out of my feet and hands
and let me go
I`ve been waiting
for my second chance
to come back
one more time
to be born
once again
But still I`m waiting
for the right time to come
I have faded
faded and waited enough I feel.

My love is still strong
and real
I keep waiting
I`ve waiting so long
I keep waiting
I`ve waited so long
won`t you please
let me go.

What is it you want from me
Whatever you want
just create it
Break the mould you used for me
create something else
I am hated.

Why do I feel these things I feel
Please tell me this is not real
I pray, I promise I will do as you ask
I beg you not to assign me this task
I know I`ve asked so many things of you
This is one thing I ask you not to do.

Post Mortem

The darkness of night slowly creeps in
Light flickers, then fades into a blackened sky
The minds eye plays tricks with everything you see
Imagination triggers thoughts of the fears within

Try to relax, be your best self
But all you do is worry; the gun’s in the drawer
Each person you see reminds you again
You’ve got to be certain, one hundred percent certain
You were beaten and robbed, left for dead
No one was there; you were by yourself
Critically wounded; clawing to get help
Echoes of voices, then sirens and nothing

The gavel gives justice like a loaded gun to your head,
The accused goes free; his case was self-defense
Victims are all guilty by their own choice the argument
Scenes of that night, you never forget but relive every day

A promise, a threat, uttered through a chuckle
You must take this seriously; you must take arms
If ever again, then never again, this will come to end
As you wait, time passes slowly living in fear,

Until the day you are certain, one hundred percent certain!

Candy

Oh how I miss you
my dear old friend
We lost touch
I don't remember when
But I remember all the time
we spent together
You came to see me
When I shouldn't have been seen
You said you loved me
We both knew what that meant
I needed to hear it
And you had to say it
You were such a good friend
Somewhere in between
The day that we met
Until the last
seemed to pass so fast
I miss you and always will
My your spirit rest in peace
As is God's will
Until we meet again
Until

A cottage death

I hear the haunting call of a loon
That's where I want to be
To lie my head gently down
And let my life come to me
To feel so calm, so resolute
Must be a dream come true
I feel it getting closer each day
But until then my dream is you
To lie my head gently down
And let my life come to me
I hear the haunting call of loon
That's where I want to be

Not even if you were the last man on earth

Oh please
Little blue planet third from the sun
Before it’s too late please tell me
For the deed has been done
Is there life, is there life,
other life way out there?

I wait for your answer
I’m ready to run
I was never part
Part of the scheme of things you see
I tried to warn them
I tried to stop them
but they would not listen to me

The horizons aglow
With a deadly halo
And although there’s not much time left
I’m ready to go
So tell me please is there life, is there life,
other life way out there?

In this dying moment
please say you care
A warm wind now surrounds me,
now a bright light moving fast
I wait for your answer
I pray t....

Snapshot of Myself

As I look down I see myself,
a tattered, wrinkled, abused
pile of young bones
A voice echoes softly though the PCP fog in the room
A strong weathered figure urgently beckons to me
Although already slowly in an upward drift; my momentum halts
Soft words call out and tug gently on the anchor of my soul
My direction changes
Back down through the floorboards and the ceiling above
The light of my existence had almost extinguished itself it seems
I feel a flicker and my mind begins to unbend
A warmth, a rekindling from within
The drowsy numbness of narcotics still in my brain
They say only the good die young
Well, I would have made a lovely corpse
But then I then I thank Oma for this snapshot of myself
And the chance to live again.

Sing a song to be reborn

To tell you the truth
I never thought I'd end up like this
So far from everything
So long from everywhere
As a child I always prayed
Opened my heart to heaven above
I gave what I could
I gave all my love
But something is wrong here
So far from everything
So long from everywhere
To tell you the truth
I never thought I'd end up like this
It's a long road home
It's so long when you're all alone
So far from everything you know
So long from everywhere you go
Far away, far too far away
And it's getting farther every day
To tell you the truth
I never thought I'd end up this way
It's such a long road home
It's so long when you're all alone
It's long way home
When you've gone so far
You can't turn back
Stay straight and narrow
Cling to today for tomorrow
For tomorrow will be your today
To tell you the truth
I never thought I'd end up this way
Lying in bed
Those thoughts in my head
Thoughts of my life
Thoughts of the future
It's been so long
And soon I'll be dead
Those thoughts thought
Were not like this
Those thoughts thought
Would never be like this
So why is it like this
We never thought this
We didn't want this
To tell you the truth
I never thought we'd end like this

Waking up
Lying on the floor
In warm pool of blood
I didn't do it
I wasn't even there
How can this be
Let me go
I have to go now
I have to see
As I look down
On the floor now
I see me
Waking up
Lying on the floor
In a warm pool of blood

Lying beside me
I see them
Each and every last one
I reach to touch
But they run away from me
I want to help but I can't
I don't even know who I am
I reach out to help them
But now they are gone

Waking up
Lying on the floor
In warm pool of blood
I didn't do it
I wasn't even there
How can this be
Let me go, I have go now
I have to see
And as I look down
On the floor now
I see me
Waking up
Lying on the floor
In a warm pool of blood

Turn your head up
Turn your head up to the sky
Reach out to Heaven
Reach way up high
It's funny how you can
It's funny to be this man
The same man
Though you may not know
Till your dying day
It's the same
The same song
You know the words
How it goes
You've known it all
You've sung this song
Once before
It's history repeating itself
Like it has
In the past
It's history
It's history repeating itself

To tell you the truth
I never thought I'd end up like this
So far from everything
So long from everywhere
As a child I always prayed
Opened my heart to heaven above
So help me now
Sing a song so we may be reborn
The same song we sung before
Same song as we sung before
Before the time
Before the day
Sing the song
Sing this all away...
Sing a song so we may be reborn

Turn your head up
Turn your head up to the sky
Reach out to Heaven
Reach way up high
It's funny how you can
It's funny to be this man
The same man
Though you may not know
Till your dying day
It's the same
The same song
You know the words
How it goes
You've done it all
You've sung this song
Once before
It's history repeating itself
Like it has
In the past
It's history
Yes it's history repeating itself
Sing that song
I'll sing along
Sing a song to be reborn...

Passing

My eyes close slowly
The light fades away
The passing of life
Not just today
It’s been good
The parts I know
All the rest
Like the light
Can fade away
There’s not a thing
I’d care to change
To do again
Or rearrange
The past
Gives us the present
All we have and see
The slightest change
The smallest thing
Might keep you
Away from me
So, I lived my life
As best I could
To be the best me
And now that
Time has run out
The future beckons me
But don’t shed a tear
Or be afraid
I am complete
When you are near
So please take my hand
Hold it tight
My eyes close slowly
Out fades the light.

Never the same again

Today
You're too old they say
You're no good
But the things I used to do
They never could
Getting beat up once or twice
isn't so bad I suppose
Unless it's daily for three or four years
It's then the feeling grows
Life takes on a new meaning
Every moment is filled with fear
Often times wondering
How'd I ever get to here
Different for no reason
But quite apparently so
Those feelings felt so strong
and so long ago
Those feelings are still strong
and they just won't go
Haunting every moment the past stays alive
Feeding on my fears to survive
Trying to belong
Since I can first remember
I was so innocent and tender
Curious and kind
Never the pretender
Never one to mind
Walking with an open heart
Open for the taking
Innocently breaking
But first came the mind

You're a bad person they say
You're no good
Then they chased me away
How bad can you be
Being barely as old as the day
What can be done
About what was done
When it was done without you
Words said in anger
Trying to even the score
With other words said in anger
Some time before
Words that started a war
Words that were said before
Then came the fight
A personal war
You get pushed, you get shoved
Until no more
Backed into a corner
The teddy bear strikes back
No one there at the time
No one ahead
No one behind
Just me alone in the line
Feeling bad but doing fine
It's tough getting there
It's an uphill climb
And the harder you try
It gets harder I find
But in the end
When the end comes
And it will
Everyone gets a chance, a second chance
To get even, to spill
The harder you try
The bigger the hill
But get there you will
I'm still trying
But mine is one big fucking hill
Next came the heart

A big one for me
Both mine
And the one that belongs to me
Big enough to share
Large enough to spare
Thoughts, feelings and emotions
Stretching from here to there
Love at first sight
Like a bee sting
A bug bite
Not unlike
The tender itch
Of loves first bite
Came to me with Herculean might
Over hill and over dale
Through hoarfrost snow
And driving hail
Caring not for what I should
Only wanting for what I could
Seeing only what I saw
Not remembering
The seeing I saw
Were it not for blinding love
I could perhaps have risen above
The perpetuation and obsession
I confused with love
Next came family

First and foremost
First for most
And second to none
You only have one
Being a loner isn't much fun
Losing touch with my Father
Father with Son
First loss came very young
I lost my Father
I lost him through the things I'd done
I can't tell you when or how
But I know I'm the one
Who lost my Father his loving Son
God Bless him for he's still living
And may he live on and on
There are the losses I shall never forget
Friends and friends and friends all my age
Doing things that we did to battle the rage
The blur of those two decades
Sometimes overwhelms me
My life has changes
I'm scared and it serves me right
I suppose
The burden is the luggage of blame
But the first loss from home
Came from far away
But cut deep into my innocence
Followed quickly by another
The deepest cut of all
I came and felt
As though it were my own heart
Cutting deep, cutting hard
Torn from my arms
Tearing me apart
As I celebrate that loss
I honour her heart
Then there was peace
But not without distress
Not without worry
God Bless
But peace does not last
All things must pass
But Such a loss
Such a terrible loss
Losing a loved one
Is like losing a limb
Life goes on
But you're never the same again.