None of this was ever planned

I don't expect you to understand
because none of this ever was planned
I heard a sound from you or was it me
they always seems to come from so far away
as we lay in bed last night
slipping into sleep under the Christmas lights
just like in the old days we did it right
I could feel something slipping away
I hope it was just the day
I can't lose anymore of you or me
I cling to you so tightly
through each and every night now
I'm afraid of being alone
I put on the station we listen to
when we're alone just we two
I'm done telling you I can't tell you anymore
I can feel you though unlike ever before
I have connected, connected well with you
but my pain swallows you now too
so well connected that my pain hurts you too
but I don't expect you to understand
because none of this was ever planned
I feel ugly I feel decayed
cancerous contagious
deformed and deranged
health and well being delayed
when you're not close by
I sometimes sit in the dark and cry
thoughts of horror and pain
seduce me and reduce me
knots of burning itching pain
thoughts of suicide again
uncontrollable physical discomfort
to the point I can't explain
between the fingers and toes
feels as though something grows
withdrawal or evil I suppose
no one knows where evil grows
but it knows it grows in me
I know it grows in me I feel it sometimes
I hate it
I don't want that shit growing in me
spreading like warm butter on toast
running and soaking into every pore
I was hoping you wouldn't understand
because none of this was ever planned
and now there you stand
with that look on your face
with that stare in your eye
please don't do that
you know it makes me cry
you can't understand the reason why
okay just one cup of tea then I'll die
but only if you promise not to ask me if I'd lie
something drew me near closer to the fire
and now it seems every time you are near
evil closes in on me
and the flames keep getting higher
but then I don't expect you to understand
because none of this shit was ever was planned
please just close the door
and help me pray that all this will go away
my tea is done and it's dying time
you held up your end of the bargain and never asked
no I have to do mine
its cold, I am so cold
its too dark to see
there are stars above me
is it night time
what's happening to me
where am I
are you close to me
I don't feel sick
and I don't feel well
I can't tell how I feel
But I think I've changed my mind
I've had a change of heart
don't try to understand
because none of this was planned
preconceived or contrived
perhaps a premonition
the things we do and how we react
depend upon a momentary condition
a chain reaction caused by
a split second decision
I've tried all kinds of ways
to try and make it stop
all of those empty words
on the tips of empty tongues
inside of empty mouths
inside of empty heads
isn't that enough emptiness
don't you think enough has been said
fuck the race, fuck the pace
nothing to understand; no plan
wait I feel hot, I feel so hot
I feel a fire burning in me
burning deep inside of me
a fire deep inside of me
take my hand feel the heat
kiss my lips the burning heat
I feel so hot, too hot
I'm burning up, I feel so hot
it's burning me, it keeps burning me
it's got a hold on me and won't let go
I can't cool down, it won't let me be
I can't escape, I can't break free
another time another place
looks like the end for me