Roses

you

told me

there'd be roses

that they'd be plenty

well these roses are dead

and the thorns hurt my head

like all the things that you once said

Death is a Gift

Most people don’t

Think the way I do

To me death is a gift

No longer living

In pointless pain

By choosing death

I’m in control again

Able to let loose the darkness

Gathered deep in my heart
I travelled back in time
to the innocence at the start

Simple enough it seems

To let your fortunes go

One by one as they slip away
Your feelings begin to show
Stripped bare of all material things

Without any cares or concerns

Remember me as the one
Who loved you with all his heart

Who gave up all his earns

Who was never alone
in sickness nor in health
nor my darkest hour

Who departed at will
but not before

glancing back at you.

Witness

O my God, O my Lord
They stood by
they ignored you
Thinking they
were doing good
pleased with themselves
as they stood by
and watched you die
What they gave you
I'd take away
I would give you me
The one thing have
And I guarantee
you'd be here today
Dear Jesus, Holy Son of God
How could things like happen
you gave us one and all
so much pain and some of us
are less strong and unable
to cope the extent of pain
your hand has dealt
if may make a request
shuffle the deck again My Lord
then deal the cards as follows
deal the cards of pain to me
and then deal out the rest
I live a life of pain already
A little more pain for me
and I can help many feel free
Sometimes abuse
is an innocent mistake
it's the wrong pill to take
why lead us into temptation
when we're deep in pain
It's easy Lord when you're
not thinking straight
to take the wrong turn
to make a mistake
Give me strength to carry the word
and me give the power to heal
to take away the pain
and close the wound
You've given power
to others before me
different from them perhaps
But I too put you before me
Let my words be weight
And my contact be great
I have fears of my own
And pain as you well know
But I am willing to take on more
If it pleases you today
So dear Lord I`m ready, are you
I have the tools
I know the rules
I may walk through the valley
in the shadow of death
though I fear not the reaper
I shall not suffer or die
I will not be a martyr in eye
If you're ready to play so am I
As I stand here before you today
It feels different to me
what about you does it too
I know I have changed
but then you have too
Through the confusion though
I see a bright light heading my way
Let me be the one to show others the way.

A talk with Him

I've been waiting
since the day that I left
to be born again
I've been waiting
yes waiting
since the day that I left
waiting for another chance
to stay dry in the rain
I have faded
faded enough I feel
My thoughts are pure not jaded
The darkness, the other side
the right side and the left
I`ve been waiting
contemplating
since the day that I left
will I be born again
or was I hung out to dry
left hanging
in anger and fear
is there no way out of here
what the hell is this
what kind of heaven is this
you can take it
I don`t want it
I don`t want this
Imagine, all this
because of a kiss
and I was not the giver
I was the goat
in a herd of sheep.

I'm waiting
painfully waiting
for the calling
I am waiting
to be born again
Another chance
to feel it again
A second chance
to be real again.

I've been waiting
since the day that I left
to get up
and just walk away
but I'm stuck waiting
It`s all up to you
my anticipating.

Pull these nails
out of my feet and hands
and let me go
I`ve been waiting
for my second chance
to come back
one more time
to be born
once again
But still I`m waiting
for the right time to come
I have faded
faded and waited enough I feel.

My love is still strong
and real
I keep waiting
I`ve waiting so long
I keep waiting
I`ve waited so long
won`t you please
let me go.

What is it you want from me
Whatever you want
just create it
Break the mould you used for me
create something else
I am hated.

Why do I feel these things I feel
Please tell me this is not real
I pray, I promise I will do as you ask
I beg you not to assign me this task
I know I`ve asked so many things of you
This is one thing I ask you not to do.

The inside

Life! Ha!
None of it really
matters much to me
It hurts like hell that's for sure
but what I will say is this
that my life is just that way
riding high all the time
on a suicide drive-by
every day
My mind's a mess
My heart's fucked up
The harder I try to
to get my shit together
I more I hear
the same old words again
I can't believe it
I can't believe my ears
Makes me wanna quit
quit it all
everyone and everything.

What I have got
If I don't have love
I close my eyes and sleep
won't come
The dreams that you have
are nightmares to me
My fears chase me
into the night
I feel alone with you
right there beside me
I feel dark and cold
I feel old
There's so much I need
to do yet
There's so much I need
to say yet
There's so much I need
to love yet
Don't take my love away.

Spinning in a funnel
unable to grab hold
a downward spiral
I feel cold
Unable to grab hold
sometimes the end
looks better
even better than
starting over again
Perhaps it's wrong to feel
this way
but my opinion is all
I have today
It matter so much
to me today
The hurt cut so deep
there's no blood
Take to corpse away.

Another heart torn out
another death by love today
I could care
but I don't
Crack a nut
you break the shell
I'm about the inside
I am the inside
This shell you see
is not me
I'm not this, that, these or those
I'm about the inside
I'm about what I chose.

It feels like I'm dying

Oh babe, it feels... like I'm dying
I swear that it's true...I ain't lying
Oh babe, oh won't you hold me now

I think I'm dying
It feels like I'm dying
I feel pain in my body, I ain't never felt before
Oh baby please...I'm at your feet, on the floor
Sometimes I feel good
I feel much better than I should
Sometimes I feel so damn good
You know when baby
I think that you know
exactly and you know...
You know when I feel good
But listen to me baby
listen to me honeychild
It has been a long time
it has been a while
Oh babe it feels... like I'm dying
I swear that it's true, I ain't lying
Come over here by me
Come closer to me, my sweet little thing
And listen to me cuz...I ain't lying
Oh babe it feels... like I'm dying
I swear that it's true...I ain't lying
Oh babe, it feels... like I'm dying
I swear that it's true...I ain't lying
Oh babe, oh won't you hold me I'm dying
It feels like I'm dying

Good Mourning

I wake up in the morn and mourn
I mourn about my pain
About the shape I’m not in
I beat myself up
I mentally abuse myself
Until I have the strength
Until I can check to see
The parts of me that work
And feel fine
and the parts of me
That don’t work so well
Or perhaps even quit
I spend my morning mourning
Feeling sorry for myself
Reaching slowly for
The pills on the shelf
I used to take them for pleasure
I took them for fun
Now I take them because I have to
Because I can no longer run
It’s appalling
I’m crawling
Itching and scratching
To the point of pain
and I’m sprawling
Hurting deep inside
I would if I could shed my skin,
Like a lizard or snake
To be who and what I am
And to loosen the fake
Shed the old skin and all the pain
That which was old is young again
But life’s not like that
Not even for reptiles
You can revive the outside
But you can’t hide the miles
I spend part of every day
Wishing I could take away
The past, the times
For which I now pay for
Each and every day for
The older I get the higher the cost
Sometimes I forget or get lost
Between the pills I have to take
In order to remain the fake
I have to be to make
The best of what, I’m not sure
At times I know I’m too much
At times I’m not sure how much
More even I can take
How much longer I can be fake.

To the bone again

What was I thinking
This can't be real
Bring on the night
bring on the pain
I've had too much
happiness once again.

My skin feels itchy
Crawling deep inside
If I could
I’d tear it off
Peel off my own hide
No longer able to hide
My feet are hot
So uncomfortable
If I could
I’d cut them off
No longer able to run
My body feels different
Sick and tired
It belongs to someone else
I feel odd, out of sorts
Not quite like myself today
If I could
I’d find myself today
Another me today
Another me to be
Another way today.

Looking through my window
Not sure what I see
Searching for something
But it’s not there for me
Shadows falling
In my direction
Streaks upon the glass
Memories of you rush in
And then they quickly pass
Streaks upon the glass
from the tears I have cried
over the lost love passed.

Reminders of all the times
we have both tried
Rays of sadness
As the sun begins to fade
Radiate in the silence
Echo the mistakes that we made.

Driven by a drive
Driven once before
Driven to a place
Driven to a door
Angels all around
What are they here for
The questions are gone
Same answer as before.

Bring on the night
And let it rain
Give it all to me
Tear out my heart
Run me over again.

I guess I was dreaming
Living with no pain
It lasted far too long
What was I thinking
It was bound to break
Happiness seems
too much to take
Bring on the night
Dark is my light
And now the rain
Make it cold and hard
Like my heart
Hit by a train
I guess I was dreaming
I must have been dreaming
again
Living life far too long
without pain
Bring on the night
bring on the pain
take it to the bone
again.

The turn around

Oh hey it came to me today
For lately I've thinking
It seems to me that I'm dying
And it's been happening for some time
Now, I know that time is flying
Fleeting past us despite all of our trying
We can't slow it down or make it stop
We can't do it for love
We can't do it the name of God
But, oh hey it came to me today
Because lately I've been thinking
It seems obvious I am dying
And it's been happening for some time
And it's happening today
Slowly death creeps
Like acid it seeps
Everything it takes it keeps
It weakens my in the knees
It strengthens with all of my pleas
There's no more innocence
I've done and said it
Dear God
It came to me today
But I've been thinking all along
That I am dying
I have said and done things
I have taken you in vain
I have forgotten my faith
In my own words
I should be forgiving
even in pain
But I felt alone and forsaken
My mind and body were swallowed and taken
By the anger and fear
Of the uncertainty of here
When it came to me today
That I may be dying
But I'm still here
I may have pain
and my finger on the trigger
but the love I feel is bigger
I feel so alone
but I can still smile
even through all of the pain
I'm not alone it seems
None of us will ever be the same
We all grow old and have pain
But when it yours it means more
It hurts much more
Then you can explain
It pains you more
than a neighbour next door
Compassion and sympathy
don't make it go away
they don't really mean a thing
until you can say you've been there
and felt things the same way
And it makes you say
Hey, I was thinking
And it came to me today
It feels so good to be alive
Let's celebrate another good day
We can go out for a walk
Or grab a coffee
Still it's a good day
No matter what way
As long as we're alive and well
until you can say you've been there
and felt things the same way
And it makes you say
Hey, I was thinking

thought # 999

If there was a button to push
If there were a button to push
To make it all go away
It there were a button to push
I'd push it today

With the flick of a switch
It's a brand new day
And all my pain fades away
I'm not a quitter
I can take it
I'm not a faker
I will make it
If there were a time to end it
If ever a day came to end it
To end it all and start over
Today was that day for me
I opened my eyes as usual
I took a deep breath as usual
I felt the pain as usual
I cried as usual
I tried as usual
I stood and cried
I thought my next move
I cried
I focused on the best of me
On the best parts of my life
My kids and my wife
I cried
The weight of my burden
Is too much
It's too much to carry
The guilt kills me slowly
I have become a job
I have become the thought
The special consideration
Not the vision I had
Not the vision I had
My future seems painfully bleak
One day passes like a week
The times I felt good are gone
I felt them as hard as I could
I lived my life accordingly
I did my best to be me
The times I felt good are gone
Will they ever come back
Will I ever break free
of the pain that bends
binds and chokes me
The pills I take seem dandy
like grown up candy
Some to sleep and eat
and take the pain away
and even some that make you randy
With the flick of a switch
It's a brand new day
I'm ten again and eating candy
No wait I'm sixteen
with a girl named Mandy
Life was good before the pain
I wish I could feel like that again
Pain is such a powerful motivation
It can crumble your mind and body
Pain can make you think and do things
you never thought or did before
Lash out in anger without concern
Expecting all to be normal
When your normal thoughts return
I can't function or concentrate
The pain is so bad I can't wait
To take more pills and medicate
My mind is a blender
filled with medicine and love
I've been upset
I've been lonely
I've been depressed
I've all those things enough
Enough to consider ending it
Suicide is such an awful thing
It's full of uncertainty
It's full of emptiness
I'm sure it's full
full of all the things
we want to escape
or is it wait
but that's the thing
you can't wait
there's is no second chance
Once done it's done
and there's no where to hide anymore
you are an open book
That is if you care
but if it were me
I'd clean up my closets
before heading there
So much to do
So many thoughts
Until I think about you
My love is dying for you
everyday crying for you
Then I think about this life
I have with you
It's never boring
when I'm in your arms
when I hear their voices
I know I'm near nirvana
at least what it is for me
I can't speak or think
as the pain moves
back in on me
but I know exactly
where I want to be
But being trapped
in this body
in this chair
in this house
unable to disable
what disables me

If there was a button to push
If there were a button to push
To make it all go away
It there were a button to push
I'd push it today

It don't come easy

It don't come easy
It ain't that hard to see
It don't come easy
In fact it don't come at all for me
I had a good life
But I gave it all away
I gave part of it to a needle
As for the rest
I cannot say
I have the heart of a young man
Bent broken and sore
I have the mind of a young man
I can't be him anymore
I could have met a woman
Instead I met myself
Somewhere between the needle
And the medicine on the shelf
It don't come easy
It ain't that hard to see
It don't come easy
In fact it don't come at all for me
I made decisions
and every day I pay
For the things I did
Mistakes I made
when choices came my way
I had a good life
But I gave it all away
It don't come easy
It ain't that hard to see
It don't come easy
In fact it don't come at all for me
I am stuck and frustrated
With the heart of a young man
Bent broken and sore
The mind of a young man
Who I can't be anymore
It don't come easy
It ain't that hard to see
It don't come easy
In fact it don't come at all for me
It don't come easy
It ain't that hard to see
It don't come easy
In fact it don't come at all for me
It don't come at all for me
No, no, no...
It don't come at all
for
me

Stay in bed

The sun doesn’t seem as bright
Something’s not quite right
I can’t find anything to talk about
The words are there but won’t come out
There’s a thought inside my head
But there’s nothing left to be said
Today
I think I’ll stay in bed
Today
I think I’ll stay in bed
I’m not sick
I feel okay
I’m just not sure the car
Will start today
My boots would walk if
I took out the lead
But, to be perfectly honest
Today
I think I’ll stay I in bed
The phone is ringing constantly
It’s just another day to me
Nothing good is ever said
Today
I think I’ll stay in bed.

I hate pain for what it makes me,
Takes away the smiles and makes people hate me,
I'm not a grumpy or miserable guy,
Imagine smiling all the time
while inside you cry,
I hate pain for what it makes me!

Just like you

Hurt
I've been hurt
But I've been hurt before
I love you
you love me
internal love
external love
inside of me
inside of you
Loved
I've been loved
But I've been loved before
Swept
I've been swept
But I've been swept before
right off my feet
or under the carpet on the floor
Been there done that
I'm afraid to say
I am cared for
But I've been cared for before
Cared
for and then left
to carry on alone
I'm certain
Yes I'm sure
That whatever you come up with
No matter how unusual
or obscure
be it good, bad
happy or sad
One way or another
At some time or other
I have too before
Somethings I'm not proud of
But most of them I am
I tried to live my life
As balanced as I can
And through the hurt
and the pain
Through the laughter
and the tears
I have managed to survive
throughout the years
I could complain
And I usually do
But in the end
We are no different
I am just like you
Hurt
I have been hurt
I've been hurt before
And so have you

Reality trap

The fast and energetic mind and heart
Of the Hare
Working overtime to try and keep up
Inside the battered and worn out shell
Of the Tortoise
That's how I feel
The pain outside
Keeps the inside real

In the dark of night
When the world is dark and cold
I hold you tight
Till night turns into day
And as I hold you tight
In the dark of night
I think of all the things I've done and said
I begin to shiver
I begin to cry
Inside my heart wants to die
I wish with all I have
That there could be a way
That I could take it all back
Make it go away
I want all your pain
I want it all
It belongs to me
I think of where I'd be
If it weren't for your love
I think of who'd be me
And who I'd be
But then you squeeze me tight
You hold me tight
Through the night

My love for you is strong enough my love
Strong enough to carry us through
My love for you is strong enough my love
It's strong enough
Strong enough for me and you
And this life of mine is never boring
In the arms of you
Yes this life of mine is never boring
In the arms of you my love

In the dark of night
When the world is dark and cold
I hold you tight
Till night turns into day
And as I hold you tight
In the dark of night
I think of all the things I've done and said
I begin to shiver
I begin to cry
Inside my heart wants to die
I wish with all I have
That there could be a way
That I could take it all back
Make it go away
I want all your pain
I want it all
It belongs to me
I think of where I'd be
If it weren't for your love
I think of who'd be me
And who I'd be
But then you squeeze me tight
You hold me tight
Through the night
Until everything`s alright
alright
I think of where I'd be
If it weren't for your love
I think of who'd be me
And who I'd be
But then you squeeze me tight
You hold me tight
Through the night
Until everything`s alright
alright
and everything`s alright
alright

Candy

Oh how I miss you
my dear old friend
We lost touch
I don't remember when
But I remember all the time
we spent together
You came to see me
When I shouldn't have been seen
You said you loved me
We both knew what that meant
I needed to hear it
And you had to say it
You were such a good friend
Somewhere in between
The day that we met
Until the last
seemed to pass so fast
I miss you and always will
My your spirit rest in peace
As is God's will
Until we meet again
Until

thought # 1923 of 2010

God my back hurts!
It hurts so much;
enough to make me cry.
Enough to make me want
to die!
God may back hurts!
The day begins okay...
Everything seems alright today.
I sit up on the edge of the bed;
that's when it hits me,
like a brick to the head!
All of my clear thoughts,
happy thoughts too,
all the things I said,
everything is dead.
Sitting on the edge of the bed...
God my back hurts!
Makes me wish I were dead.

Waking up

Woke up
WITH A PAIN INSIDE MY HEAD
SAT UP
AT THE EDGE OF THE BED
THOUGHT ABOUT
SLEEPING SOME MORE
BUT MY BACK ACHES TOO
AND MY LEGS
I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP ANY MORE
I CAN’T SLEEP WITH THE PAIN
I CAN’T REST WITH THE PAIN
I CAN’T SMILE WITH THE PAIN
FEELS LIKE I’LL NEVER SMILE AGAIN
I COULD TAKE SOME PILLS
TO HELP WITH THE PAIN
BUT I TAKE TOO MANY PILLS
THEY FUCK UP MY BRAIN
TOO MANY PILLS
TOO MUCH PAIN
DO I GET UP AND MEDICATE
THEN SHOWER TO HELP ALLEVIATE
THE PAIN
PAIN RUNS MY LIFE
PAIN STARTS THE SHOW
PAIN RULES MY WORLD
EVERYWHERE I GO
PAIN WHEN I’M HAPPY
PAIN WHEN I’M SAD
PAIN BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER
THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD
PAIN WHEN I’M PLAYING
PAIN WHEN I’M NOT

ONCE ON MY BIRTHDAY
PAIN WAS ALL I GOT
IT’S HARD TO EXPLAIN PAIN
BUT IT’S EASY TO SEE
I’M LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE
AT THE PAIN INSIDE ME
LATE AT NIGHT
OR AT THE BREAK OF DAWN
WHEN I’M AT WORK
OR PARTYING
BRING THE PAIN ON
IT DOESN’T MATTER MUCH TO ME
HOW I FEEL INSIDE
WHAT BOTHERS ME MOST I THINK
IS THE PAIN IS HARD TO HIDE
WHAT’S THE MATTER
ARE YOU OKAY
AND I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
ARE THE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY
ITS NOT THAT I MIND ANSWERING
OR TELLING WHAT IS WRONG
IT’S JUST DAY AFTER DAY
IT’S A BROKEN RECORD
PLAYING THE SAME OLD SONG
WOKE UP
WITH A PAIN INSIDE MY HEAD

Not okay

While you're sleeping
Sleeping and dreaming
I am awake
Awake and scheming
It's wasted away
It's not here to stay
What can I say
Nothing`s alright
Not okay
I gave it a shot
It helped a lot
But while you`re sleeping
Fast asleep and dreaming
I am awake
Awake and scheming
Wish I were dreaming
What can I say
Nothing`s alright
Not okay