Clock

at the point where it won't stretch any more
to the right then to the left and back again
imagine if it were as easy as a shift and slide
moving the old things from side to side
clothes in a pile like shed skin on the floor
all but forgotten behind the closet door
wash the dirt off shed this blanket of filth
so you can see me naked now let me see you
pull and stretch me, touch me and explore me
like a gentle cavity search then more intense
ripped open and torn down like a fence
expanding on the inside and pulling outside
tearing me apart looking for my heart
the piece of the puzzle you broke at the start
the pendulum swings slower and slower
the more time ticks away the louder we shout
the louder we shout the quicker time runs out
to the point where there is no more time left
shake the clock to get one more tick
and hope like hell to get the tock
days and weeks then years fly by
life is short and time keeps moving on
with some left it's the last thing on your mind
but when it runs out you're watching the clock
finally knowing what seconds mean
lying still I feel the rain of your tears
wash away the years wash this body clean
captured in pictorial symphony
remembered in words that came to me
I wish for happiness to come from this
shake it the clock won't tick any more
shake it like you did before
shake it the clock won't tick any more
shake it like you did before shake it
shake it shake it wind it shake it
shake it I guess there is no more

thought # 999

If there was a button to push
If there were a button to push
To make it all go away
It there were a button to push
I'd push it today

With the flick of a switch
It's a brand new day
And all my pain fades away
I'm not a quitter
I can take it
I'm not a faker
I will make it
If there were a time to end it
If ever a day came to end it
To end it all and start over
Today was that day for me
I opened my eyes as usual
I took a deep breath as usual
I felt the pain as usual
I cried as usual
I tried as usual
I stood and cried
I thought my next move
I cried
I focused on the best of me
On the best parts of my life
My kids and my wife
I cried
The weight of my burden
Is too much
It's too much to carry
The guilt kills me slowly
I have become a job
I have become the thought
The special consideration
Not the vision I had
Not the vision I had
My future seems painfully bleak
One day passes like a week
The times I felt good are gone
I felt them as hard as I could
I lived my life accordingly
I did my best to be me
The times I felt good are gone
Will they ever come back
Will I ever break free
of the pain that bends
binds and chokes me
The pills I take seem dandy
like grown up candy
Some to sleep and eat
and take the pain away
and even some that make you randy
With the flick of a switch
It's a brand new day
I'm ten again and eating candy
No wait I'm sixteen
with a girl named Mandy
Life was good before the pain
I wish I could feel like that again
Pain is such a powerful motivation
It can crumble your mind and body
Pain can make you think and do things
you never thought or did before
Lash out in anger without concern
Expecting all to be normal
When your normal thoughts return
I can't function or concentrate
The pain is so bad I can't wait
To take more pills and medicate
My mind is a blender
filled with medicine and love
I've been upset
I've been lonely
I've been depressed
I've all those things enough
Enough to consider ending it
Suicide is such an awful thing
It's full of uncertainty
It's full of emptiness
I'm sure it's full
full of all the things
we want to escape
or is it wait
but that's the thing
you can't wait
there's is no second chance
Once done it's done
and there's no where to hide anymore
you are an open book
That is if you care
but if it were me
I'd clean up my closets
before heading there
So much to do
So many thoughts
Until I think about you
My love is dying for you
everyday crying for you
Then I think about this life
I have with you
It's never boring
when I'm in your arms
when I hear their voices
I know I'm near nirvana
at least what it is for me
I can't speak or think
as the pain moves
back in on me
but I know exactly
where I want to be
But being trapped
in this body
in this chair
in this house
unable to disable
what disables me

If there was a button to push
If there were a button to push
To make it all go away
It there were a button to push
I'd push it today

Thought #175

Time changes everything
Time changes you and me
Time changes everything
Things worth remembering
Things are never the way they were
Even things that reoccur
Time changes everything
We are not who we were
You’re not who you used to be
And I’m not the same old me
I remember days gone by
That special look in our eyes
We each knew
Exactly what to do
Time changes everything
Look at me
Look at you
Time changes everything
No matter what we do
Time changes everything.

Thought # 127

Time passes presently
The present becomes the past
Neither past time
Nor
Future time
Like present time
Will last
Time keeps on ticking
Every day
Till today becomes yesterday
And that the day before
Once again making tomorrow today
Just like the day before…

Sleep

I'm laying here lonely
I wish you would speak
We've so much to say
But I can't I'm too weak
The stories of days
Days that have passed
The stories of love
We both knew would last
My mind races
in search of sleep
My body aches
from the promise to keep
Trying to stop myself
from dying
My lips try to open
But I cannot say
My thoughts are deep
But the words that I keep
Will not come
Long are the days of love
Full of thought and concern
But unlike a candle
Life has but one burn
Burn it carefully
Burn it right
Treat it tenderly
Burn it bright
If it flickers
Shelter it
Never to go out
It will keep you warm
On the coldest night
In the darkest shadows
It brings you light
Hold it close
and dear to you
It will grow
and always be near to you
But still I lay here lonely
Wishing you would speak
I would
If I could
But I am too weak
I am weary and old
I feel humbled and beaten
When I used to feel bold
Things I once did
I can no longer do
Every movement
another pain
Every thought
another memory
God I wish I were young again
I wasted my life
and so much time
On things and people
that meant so much
to this heart of mine
And in the end
I stood alone at the edge
Alone with time
Had I only listened
We all have that to say
But me I never learned a single lesson
From none of the minutes or hours
or one single day
I pissed
and I wasted
my whole life away
Thinking I was lucky
Until it was time to pay
Lucky, me
Hell yes I am
But believe me when I tell you
This is no life for a man
I've beaten and battered myself
And I'm lonely in my pain
So please say something
To help distract my brain
I love you more than life itself
I love you with all my heart
I know sometimes to see me
Really breaks your heart
But please let me apologize
Before you even start
Don't second guess your thoughts
or rearrange your words
I want and need to hear
What you think even if it hurts
A man who cries is a man who's weak
Perhaps that's true
But I've never cried out of fear for myself
Though I've cried for the love of you
The fear of being without you
Is the worst fear of all
I'm laying here lonely
I wish you would speak
We've so much to say
But I can't I'm too weak

Thought # 127

Time passes presently
The present becomes the past
Neither past time
Nor
Future time
Like present time
Will last
Time keeps on ticking
Every day
Till today becomes yesterday
And that the day before
Once again making tomorrow today
Just like the day before…