The sun doesn’t seem as bright
Something’s not quite right
I can’t find anything to talk about
The words are there but won’t come out
There’s a thought inside my head
But there’s nothing left to be said
Today
I think I’ll stay in bed
Today
I think I’ll stay in bed
I’m not sick
I feel okay
I’m just not sure the car
Will start today
My boots would walk if
I took out the lead
But, to be perfectly honest
Today
I think I’ll stay I in bed
The phone is ringing constantly
It’s just another day to me
Nothing good is ever said
Today
I think I’ll stay in bed.
Showing posts with label today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label today. Show all posts
Friday, July 23, 2010
Saturday, November 28, 2009
November 29th ... holy shit! It's almost Christmas again!
Went to have more Xrays of my neck taken yesterday. Hope the news is good, in other words no surgery required. I know, I can hear you now! "Surgery? Neck? I didn't even know is what you're saying...I didn't even know there was a problem with his neck!? WTF...?" Well, guess what? He didn't even know himself.
Imagine my shock when I found out I had problems. I can't be more specific at the moment for several reasons one which is that I don't know the results yet. I am concerned and scared though. I am very anxious to get back to work. It's been long enough in my mind and I need to get active soon or my best friend 'arthritis' will have its way with me...
I miss my parents already, and they are only just about to leave now...it's 02:40 and I'm sitting at the computer again...I couldn't sleep so here I am, you're stuck with me. We had a really nice family get together last weekend where Donna, my sister showed up with her family including Melissa who brought her husband Kevin. We all came, Sean came with us as Sheri, his girlfriend had to work. However, Rachel came with her boyfriend Adrian which was nice. It was a great time and everyone had a ball.
Yesterday, after we took care of some business, Colette and I took a drive up and dropped in on Mom and Dad. I wanted to see them one more time before the go south to Mexico for the winter. Although they have been doing this for quite a few years now, every year I find it more and more difficult to have them so far away. I may not see them as often when they are here at home in Canada but the security of knowing they are only a short drive away is reassuring. For some reason this year found me in tears as we drove home. I guess maybe it's part of aging, perhaps it's because they are aging, but whatever the reason is it's getting stronger within me as I get older. I love my Mom and Dad very much and I am guilty as I'm sure we all are, of not telling them or expressing that to them often enough. But the past few years we have all shared in some very close lost loved ones and I think that definitely plays a part in making family bonds stronger. I feel as though I'm the parent when I say I just want them to have fun that's all and be safe...don't do anything stupid, don't listen to or talk to strangers and don't invest in any real estate...hahaha
So, Mom, Dad, if you're listening, I love you, and read the last sentence again.
Went to have more Xrays of my neck taken yesterday. Hope the news is good, in other words no surgery required. I know, I can hear you now! "Surgery? Neck? I didn't even know is what you're saying...I didn't even know there was a problem with his neck!? WTF...?" Well, guess what? He didn't even know himself.
Imagine my shock when I found out I had problems. I can't be more specific at the moment for several reasons one which is that I don't know the results yet. I am concerned and scared though. I am very anxious to get back to work. It's been long enough in my mind and I need to get active soon or my best friend 'arthritis' will have its way with me...
I miss my parents already, and they are only just about to leave now...it's 02:40 and I'm sitting at the computer again...I couldn't sleep so here I am, you're stuck with me. We had a really nice family get together last weekend where Donna, my sister showed up with her family including Melissa who brought her husband Kevin. We all came, Sean came with us as Sheri, his girlfriend had to work. However, Rachel came with her boyfriend Adrian which was nice. It was a great time and everyone had a ball.
Yesterday, after we took care of some business, Colette and I took a drive up and dropped in on Mom and Dad. I wanted to see them one more time before the go south to Mexico for the winter. Although they have been doing this for quite a few years now, every year I find it more and more difficult to have them so far away. I may not see them as often when they are here at home in Canada but the security of knowing they are only a short drive away is reassuring. For some reason this year found me in tears as we drove home. I guess maybe it's part of aging, perhaps it's because they are aging, but whatever the reason is it's getting stronger within me as I get older. I love my Mom and Dad very much and I am guilty as I'm sure we all are, of not telling them or expressing that to them often enough. But the past few years we have all shared in some very close lost loved ones and I think that definitely plays a part in making family bonds stronger. I feel as though I'm the parent when I say I just want them to have fun that's all and be safe...don't do anything stupid, don't listen to or talk to strangers and don't invest in any real estate...hahaha
So, Mom, Dad, if you're listening, I love you, and read the last sentence again.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I'd have no life,
If it weren't for my wife
She steers me straight
Be it forward or reverse
She's the one who turns
The one who turned me
Into who I am
I can't refute it
Or dispute it
The simple truth is
All that's good in me
All that's righteous
Respectful and cautious
All that is good in me
Is now up to and because of
My wife
To this point I have been good
But far too often less than I could
And or should
It's not that I don't know better
I learn pretty fast
And I'm no bed wetter
I was taught by the best
I was taught not to quit
Yet often I did
I was to be nice and to care
Not only what others think
But what they feel
Yet I've hurt so many
To many to count
I was told to have conscience
And I do
It eats away at me
Every single day
I have learned that
For everything you do
There's a price to pay
And sometimes
Pay and pay
I've never killed anyone
Although I probably could
I've never maimed anyone
Killing would be easier
I know that I've hurt someone
And they know who they are
If I could take back all the hurt
Take back all the pain
Take it all back
Start over again
Not in this lifetime
That's' why we have pain
First my Mom
Then Oma
And now my wife
The most influential
Where the sense of reason
The sense of fair play
And honesty came from
My emotions at times rush in
And from all directions
I feel what people feel
I feel pain and suffering
I feel anger and embarrassment
I feel pleasure and deceit
I pay for sin
Put you hand out
Reach deep within
Pull out what you can
Keep it for yourself
From me
It's all I have to give
For now...
If it weren't for my wife
She steers me straight
Be it forward or reverse
She's the one who turns
The one who turned me
Into who I am
I can't refute it
Or dispute it
The simple truth is
All that's good in me
All that's righteous
Respectful and cautious
All that is good in me
Is now up to and because of
My wife
To this point I have been good
But far too often less than I could
And or should
It's not that I don't know better
I learn pretty fast
And I'm no bed wetter
I was taught by the best
I was taught not to quit
Yet often I did
I was to be nice and to care
Not only what others think
But what they feel
Yet I've hurt so many
To many to count
I was told to have conscience
And I do
It eats away at me
Every single day
I have learned that
For everything you do
There's a price to pay
And sometimes
Pay and pay
I've never killed anyone
Although I probably could
I've never maimed anyone
Killing would be easier
I know that I've hurt someone
And they know who they are
If I could take back all the hurt
Take back all the pain
Take it all back
Start over again
Not in this lifetime
That's' why we have pain
First my Mom
Then Oma
And now my wife
The most influential
Where the sense of reason
The sense of fair play
And honesty came from
My emotions at times rush in
And from all directions
I feel what people feel
I feel pain and suffering
I feel anger and embarrassment
I feel pleasure and deceit
I pay for sin
Put you hand out
Reach deep within
Pull out what you can
Keep it for yourself
From me
It's all I have to give
For now...
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Today
Take one of these the doctor said
They’ll help you sleep
They’ll ease your head
So slept some after I took one
It felt good to go to sleep
To let someone else my worries keep
But time went by but my worries
Stayed close by
Before too long
The days grew long
And once again I couldn’t sleep
Instead one pill
I took two
And for a few weeks two would do
But just last night
Things weren’t right
And the two would no longer do
Try as I might
I held my eyes shut tight
But sleep would not come
Thoughts raced through my mind
Thoughts I’ve thought a thousand times
I worry and fret
Until I’m in a cold sweat
The seconds tick by
My how time flies when you need sleep...
Not sure what date the blog will show....but today is Sunday October 18,2009.
So here I sit @ 10:32 am in front of the computer blogging to you, if you or anyone is out there or actually reading any of this, instead of sitting at the breakfast table in our favourite restaurant, with my wife and mother-in-law, on this my 55th birthday. But the moon shifted and caused some sort of relationship paradigm last night and the two pills didn't do a thing. I sat worried, pondered, and beat myself to sleep by 3:45 am which was the last time I saw. Being unable to sleep is one thing but when it affects others, especially in the same bed it seems unfair for both to suffer. So off to the living room and the comfort of either a recliner that leans to the right, a big cushy chair and ottoman, or a couch that's too short for me. I manage to manipulate myself into my only position of comfort when it comes to sleeping...fetal, facing right, knees tucked and a pillow or blanket between them. Eventually sleep comes.
Anyway, now it's morning and for my first experience of the today I had a headache and stomach ache and didn't exactly unbend from my 5 hour fetal mould very quickly either. Breakfast was 800 mg of ibuprofen, 30 mg prevacid, 20 mg Oxycontin and 5 mg prednisone, 1 cup of earl grey tea (black, 2 sugar, 190deg.F)
Rather than ruin breakfast on my own birthday I opted out and asked my wife to go on her own so that her and Mum would enjoy themselves as opposed to being pre-occupied or concerned about me.
It's almost 11:00 am now and my sister has called to wish me a happy b-day and right afterwards my Mom and Dad called. I opened a card from my Mom and Dad, and one from my Tante Irmgard backm in Germany.
It's funny the older you get the more what birthdays really mean changes. As a youth and while growing up it seems to be about gifts, presents etc., at first and then big parties as you get older and then you get to a point where you realize it's all about aging and maturing gracefully, with dignity, and how you are received by your family, friends and peers.You can't take anything with you when you leave, including all material things and even memories...BUT...you can leave so much behind! You can leave a legacy, thoughts, projects yet to be completed; now carried on by others, you can leave a mark of your presence. The type of mark, colour, brightness, emotion, affection, love or whatever other attributes that accompany it are entirely up to you. From great ancestors, Great Grand Parents, Grand Parents to parents to children to Grand Chldren and so on. I have shown, expressed and been many things within the family but none of them are truer or more real than the person I am and have been for the past several years.
I think I am suffering from depression and it's having it's way with me at times.
Last night I would have giving anything to have my wife come down and take me by the hand and bring me back up to bed. I understand in the past this was a time of reluctance because Im would do the same thing, go downstairs and wait for her to come a get me but I wasn't at the point I am at now. I was waiting to continue controlling and arguing with her through the night over the stupidest of things sometimes. So when I say I understand her reluctance to go back in time to that place it is because I know I was wrong and totally selfish...but now when at a time that I truly need to be comforted, to be held close and even moreso need to be reassured of who I am. Last night I could've been led like a small child, back into bed and cuddled to sleep...and at this moment I look back and wish I had not left in the first place. I feel alone even though I'm not, I feel abandoned even though I'm not...I honestly need to feel all the same things and feelings that I try so hard to make everyone in the family feel and hear everyday. I love you all! I need you all! I want you all! God Bless you all!
They’ll help you sleep
They’ll ease your head
So slept some after I took one
It felt good to go to sleep
To let someone else my worries keep
But time went by but my worries
Stayed close by
Before too long
The days grew long
And once again I couldn’t sleep
Instead one pill
I took two
And for a few weeks two would do
But just last night
Things weren’t right
And the two would no longer do
Try as I might
I held my eyes shut tight
But sleep would not come
Thoughts raced through my mind
Thoughts I’ve thought a thousand times
I worry and fret
Until I’m in a cold sweat
The seconds tick by
My how time flies when you need sleep...
Not sure what date the blog will show....but today is Sunday October 18,2009.
So here I sit @ 10:32 am in front of the computer blogging to you, if you or anyone is out there or actually reading any of this, instead of sitting at the breakfast table in our favourite restaurant, with my wife and mother-in-law, on this my 55th birthday. But the moon shifted and caused some sort of relationship paradigm last night and the two pills didn't do a thing. I sat worried, pondered, and beat myself to sleep by 3:45 am which was the last time I saw. Being unable to sleep is one thing but when it affects others, especially in the same bed it seems unfair for both to suffer. So off to the living room and the comfort of either a recliner that leans to the right, a big cushy chair and ottoman, or a couch that's too short for me. I manage to manipulate myself into my only position of comfort when it comes to sleeping...fetal, facing right, knees tucked and a pillow or blanket between them. Eventually sleep comes.
Anyway, now it's morning and for my first experience of the today I had a headache and stomach ache and didn't exactly unbend from my 5 hour fetal mould very quickly either. Breakfast was 800 mg of ibuprofen, 30 mg prevacid, 20 mg Oxycontin and 5 mg prednisone, 1 cup of earl grey tea (black, 2 sugar, 190deg.F)
Rather than ruin breakfast on my own birthday I opted out and asked my wife to go on her own so that her and Mum would enjoy themselves as opposed to being pre-occupied or concerned about me.
It's almost 11:00 am now and my sister has called to wish me a happy b-day and right afterwards my Mom and Dad called. I opened a card from my Mom and Dad, and one from my Tante Irmgard backm in Germany.
It's funny the older you get the more what birthdays really mean changes. As a youth and while growing up it seems to be about gifts, presents etc., at first and then big parties as you get older and then you get to a point where you realize it's all about aging and maturing gracefully, with dignity, and how you are received by your family, friends and peers.You can't take anything with you when you leave, including all material things and even memories...BUT...you can leave so much behind! You can leave a legacy, thoughts, projects yet to be completed; now carried on by others, you can leave a mark of your presence. The type of mark, colour, brightness, emotion, affection, love or whatever other attributes that accompany it are entirely up to you. From great ancestors, Great Grand Parents, Grand Parents to parents to children to Grand Chldren and so on. I have shown, expressed and been many things within the family but none of them are truer or more real than the person I am and have been for the past several years.
I think I am suffering from depression and it's having it's way with me at times.
Last night I would have giving anything to have my wife come down and take me by the hand and bring me back up to bed. I understand in the past this was a time of reluctance because Im would do the same thing, go downstairs and wait for her to come a get me but I wasn't at the point I am at now. I was waiting to continue controlling and arguing with her through the night over the stupidest of things sometimes. So when I say I understand her reluctance to go back in time to that place it is because I know I was wrong and totally selfish...but now when at a time that I truly need to be comforted, to be held close and even moreso need to be reassured of who I am. Last night I could've been led like a small child, back into bed and cuddled to sleep...and at this moment I look back and wish I had not left in the first place. I feel alone even though I'm not, I feel abandoned even though I'm not...I honestly need to feel all the same things and feelings that I try so hard to make everyone in the family feel and hear everyday. I love you all! I need you all! I want you all! God Bless you all!
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