thought # 999

If there was a button to push
If there were a button to push
To make it all go away
It there were a button to push
I'd push it today

With the flick of a switch
It's a brand new day
And all my pain fades away
I'm not a quitter
I can take it
I'm not a faker
I will make it
If there were a time to end it
If ever a day came to end it
To end it all and start over
Today was that day for me
I opened my eyes as usual
I took a deep breath as usual
I felt the pain as usual
I cried as usual
I tried as usual
I stood and cried
I thought my next move
I cried
I focused on the best of me
On the best parts of my life
My kids and my wife
I cried
The weight of my burden
Is too much
It's too much to carry
The guilt kills me slowly
I have become a job
I have become the thought
The special consideration
Not the vision I had
Not the vision I had
My future seems painfully bleak
One day passes like a week
The times I felt good are gone
I felt them as hard as I could
I lived my life accordingly
I did my best to be me
The times I felt good are gone
Will they ever come back
Will I ever break free
of the pain that bends
binds and chokes me
The pills I take seem dandy
like grown up candy
Some to sleep and eat
and take the pain away
and even some that make you randy
With the flick of a switch
It's a brand new day
I'm ten again and eating candy
No wait I'm sixteen
with a girl named Mandy
Life was good before the pain
I wish I could feel like that again
Pain is such a powerful motivation
It can crumble your mind and body
Pain can make you think and do things
you never thought or did before
Lash out in anger without concern
Expecting all to be normal
When your normal thoughts return
I can't function or concentrate
The pain is so bad I can't wait
To take more pills and medicate
My mind is a blender
filled with medicine and love
I've been upset
I've been lonely
I've been depressed
I've all those things enough
Enough to consider ending it
Suicide is such an awful thing
It's full of uncertainty
It's full of emptiness
I'm sure it's full
full of all the things
we want to escape
or is it wait
but that's the thing
you can't wait
there's is no second chance
Once done it's done
and there's no where to hide anymore
you are an open book
That is if you care
but if it were me
I'd clean up my closets
before heading there
So much to do
So many thoughts
Until I think about you
My love is dying for you
everyday crying for you
Then I think about this life
I have with you
It's never boring
when I'm in your arms
when I hear their voices
I know I'm near nirvana
at least what it is for me
I can't speak or think
as the pain moves
back in on me
but I know exactly
where I want to be
But being trapped
in this body
in this chair
in this house
unable to disable
what disables me

If there was a button to push
If there were a button to push
To make it all go away
It there were a button to push
I'd push it today