Appointment with pain

I have never ever had pain like this before. I mean literally excruciating to the point of collapsing in tears. Since being in the car accident August 1st 2009 I have had each and every single day filled with unbelievable pain. This past week has been a very trying one on both myself and Colette. Wednesday was the court date for the guy charged with hitting me from behind. It was stressful morning for me having to get up at a specific time with a specific place to be on time. I struggled with sleeping the night before as I was unable to stop thinking about the accident, seeing the bumper in my rear view mirror, the force of the impact, the damage done and how terrible I felt afterwards. With little sleep I simply wanted to sleep and hoped it all would go away. But Colette being my sensibility and the normal side of me managed to get me up and ready. After crying with pain for a few moments and medicating myself I sat briefly in a trance like state preparing for my day. The courthouse was not the only place I was going today, I was also going to see another in the list of specialists I have seen as a result of my injuries.
Let me say that my wife is a saint insofar as being my motivator when I'm weak from pain, she's my soother when I need soothing, she keeps me going when I give up, I love Colette with all my heart.
I wouldn't say I'm evil but I have been mean and unkind plenty of times in my life and not as you would expect. Never to strangers or friends, always to those closest to me, family. That includes my Oma, Mom, Dad, Wife and kids. Go figure, it's the most ridiculous thing hurting those who love you and whom you love the most! For some reason if believe I am somewhat self-destructive when things are going terrific. I can't understand it but I do feel and recognize that trait. I have gotten much better with maturity, but unfortunately historical ripples return every so often and I am humbled and even devastated by being unrewarded for my valiant efforts. But then I also realize that the word reward should not be part or mentioned, because I am not changing for reward but for necessity and because I want and need to. I was unable to stand myself and realized what I had done and said to others without even thinking, well I'm doing a lot less talking and a lot more time thinking these days. I plan on delving deeper into my closet and revealing my demons as part of my book so not at this juncture this is about pain.
Let me get back to my story about Thursday May 20.
So we get to the courthouse early, which is a habit that we have. We are always punctual. Seated outside in the waiting area I see the security guard who was kind enough, on the day and at the scene of the accident to stay with me supporting me both physically as I was quite shaken up, but also as a witness. Then sitting right in front of me with his back to us was the truck driver that hit me, and his lawyer. At 9:00 am we were called into the courtroom over the P/A. As we entered the room a line formed behind the Crown Attorney as everyone announced their presence. I overheard the person in front of me who happened to be the security guard and he was recollecting the accident and was then told to be seated and wait to be called. I presented my summons to the Crown and she asked me a few questions one of which was "when were you aware of the defendant being behind you?" I answered truthfully and replied, "when I glanced into my rear view mirror, remember I was stopped at a red light. I reached down to take a sip of my tea, looked in the mirror and saw 2 feet of chrome, that's the last thing I saw." She went on to tell me that we have a problem then because he was incorrectly charged. He was charged with following too close, he cannot be following too close if you already stopped. He should have been charged with at the very least careless driving.
As I returned to my seat beside Colette another thing had become very obvious, it was 9:20 and the charging officer was no where in sight.
Next thing was court is in session. Ours was the first case. It was stated by the Crown that all witnesses were present but unfortunately the charges laid are incorrect and the fact that the officer is not here either the Crown cannot proceed with this case and asks the case be dismissed. The Judge spoke and said `very well then charges are withdrawn.
It was 9:25 when I shook the security guards hand thanking him for showing up on my behalf, and we were on our way home. Deflated, disappointed and let down by a system that is flawed and fucked up. This guy hit my 3 month old car and I from behind at
55kph, he was reaching to the cab behind him to prevent a TV from hitting him on the head as he approached me a realised he couldn't`t stop. He chose his own safety over mine and all the other people on the road and sidewalks that day and he got off Scott Free. I was and still am pissed! My back and my neck and especially my hip have been changed for life, my life and quality of life has been taken away and this guy has no sense of what he did. His license and ownership allow him to use the name Roadrunner as his middle name. I cannot believe this has unfolded and ended up this way!
It was time for part two of this two appointment day.
Time to see the specialist I have been referred to by my family doctor. He is a specialist and surgeon whom I have searched out myself in the past having had two other severe pain issues and since he is touted as being one of if not the best orthopedic surgeon that`s who I wanted working on me. However I was prepared for a lecture, I remember from my previous visits with him that he is very strongly opinionated and likes to preach. So once inside with him he began with the list of prescriptions I take, some of which I take because I have to and am afraid of stopping for fear of arthritic flare up. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and have had pain most of my adult life since I was first diagnosed at the age of 19. I have been on Prednisone and pain medications of various sorts, including Oxycontin which is what I currently take for pain, chronic pain. But to make a log story short that pain is not why I am seeking the good doctors advice. I have what I am afraid of saying for fear of trying be be smarter than my doctor a symptom resulting from my accident which I think is Meralgia Paresthetica. I believe what that means is that the lateral cutaneous nerve of the thigh most often becomes injured by entrapment or compression where it passes between the upper front hip bone and the ligament near the attachment at the anterior superior iliac spine (the upper point of the hip bone). In my case the nerve may be entrapped by soft tissue trauma such as from seat belt injury in an accident. I had a huge bruise on my right upper inner and outer thigh and into my groin area for weeks after the accident. I attended therapy as prescribed religiously until the pain in my thigh made it impossible to lie down for some of the sessions especially the massage. Shortly after stopping therapy I saw my family doctor and we discussed my condition including the impact it has made on my pre-existing Arthritic condition and the importance of remaining active and physical. So we agreed that a more aggressive approach may be just the right thing and I enrolled in another 22 session Physio program. This also helped tremendously until again the pain in my right hip and thigh made it too painful and although I did complete the entire program the pain level has accelerated and it is to the point now that everything hurts. Playing my bass, cooking my main passions are out of reach because of pain. Doing the dishes and laundry both of which I enjoy...impossible. Washing, waxing sometimes even driving my car the way I used to before the accident are impossible. Pleasure walks, hikes, picnics, bike riding, hahaha you gotta be kidding I could only wish. Going on rides at Wonderland...nope. Making love, sex...it`s mostly a one way street unless it`s early enough and I haven`t medicated...then perhaps. I`m telling you this is not the way I was nor my life nor my wife!
So far not one doctor has spoken the term nor acknowledged that I may be onto something, therefore I have suffered unnecessarily and you will see why later. Back to my doctor visit on Thursday, and as I told you once he was done lecturing me (I have my wife as a witness as we co-attend each others doctors appointments, we are a team) then we began discussing my condition. I did NOT make mention of anything that I thought including meralgia, only that I was having pain and where. The only thing I did mention however was that I know this pain is not arthritic since arthritis has been my best friend most of my life as I handed him the CD containing my X-rays.
He asked me to take off my pants and hop on the table he`d be right back after viewing X-rays.
He came back and began by asking me to show me where exactly I feel the pain. I did so and also told him that my family doctor had tried to simulate the pain of make me feel it but was unable to. Silently he used his fingers and put pressure at various points and within 60 seconds he had his thumb on the nerve and I was holding the wall saying, almost joyfully, yup that`s it that`s it that`s where it hurts. Okay then here`s what I suggest, you obviously suffered quite a blow and a significant amount of tissue as well as nerve damage. Normally we treat this with one and sometimes two injections of Cortisone, this works very well and in most cases will cure the condition, worst case is you have another injection, failing that there is still surgery.
The injection appointment has been made and I feel positive because I have felt all along that an injection of Cortisone would solve all my pain, my wife will bear witness but here we are, here I am 6 months later, getting what I should have from the getgo and on top of it all he is also requesting an MRI...unfuckingbelievable. We have wanted this since the day of the accident!
Without saying it the doctor is treating me for meralgia. But as mentioned earlier on I have suffered unnecessarily far too long!
I need to thank another doctor who I can say is my friend. Thank you Dan! You were right the best way to treat a doctor is by not suggesting or asking if its perhaps this not that, because what you`re doing is making the doctor feel inadequate, sounds silly but it`s true, doctors like to think they are right all the time and that you NEED them because of that. So talk as though you don`t know anything at all and you should get the treatment you deserve.
I can`t put my finger on what has changed in the world of doctoring except to say bedside manners are missing. What are those you ask? Well when I was a child I had several of what you`d call parental worry moments that needed the presence of a medical expert, doctor. Of course doctors don't do that these days, make house calls. I guess my parents were the typical immigrant parents at the time, I laugh now at thinking of them that way I suppose that's exactly what they were. But I, we, were very fortunate in every case and every doctor we had. They were all very compassionate, warm, kind and gentle mannered. It was about the patient and not the doctor. Today it seems the other way around at times. But the same holds true for nurses and other medical professionals. And I'm sure it goes much much further than that as well but I don't want to go there not here not yet. But we are all responsible of being a little less responsible when it comes to our jobs or work or anything other than ourselves. We have become self centered and selfish to the extent that everyone has been infected. We all need a big dose of love, sunshine, happiness. Care and consideration especially when people expect it as part of the profession you chose should not only be expected but should be given tenfold. Sooner or later we all will need the exact thing or things that I am referring to so...well I hope you get the picture.
If we can't expect compassion and understanding without being subordinate or inferior to doctors then we haven't come very far. What good is medicine without these, we may as well be back in the dark ages. And we can't get these healing qualities from our doctors then where or who do we or can we turn to?