Life as it is

We all go through tough times or moments, times when we are really not happy. Times like these are when we make most of our relationship mistakes, be it with family or friends. When we are down and out we are like cornered animals, we become unpredictable. Irrational thoughts or ideas become larger than life and can even seen totally logical at the time. Hopefully things like this can be prevented by sharing experiences but unfortunately most of us think we know better. Take it from me, sometimes it's better not to speak or voice your opinion. The trick is to know when to be quiet and when not to. As I mature, like a fine whiskey, I have learned that you can be involved by simply listening and believe me there's a ton of things to be learned by listening. Then once you have a good idea as to what you might be commenting on, you can decide whether or not you wish to partake in said conversation. Most of the time you will find yourself amazed at what you learned and astounded that you never said a word. After a while you will find people see you and talk to you in a different way. People respect a reserved manner or persona if you will. When you're out and about with your wife or girl and come across loud group of people I guarantee that she will want to avoid contact. However if the same group were reserved in so far as their behaviour then contact or mingling would not pose a problem. No one likes a loud, boisterous, self-centered and opinionated person, and we all go out of our way to avoid them. So what I'm trying to say is, if it's not okay for someone else to be that way then why would it be okay to be that way yourself with someone be they a loved one or friend or even a perfect stranger?
We are all guilty of hypocrisy when it comes to those we care about most.
Sometimes it's saying the simplest of things or even just one word that hurts.
Words can cut like a knife, the pain going deeper than a flesh wound, straight into the heart. I am guilty of this myself, not realizing that the stupid words I used as a belittling poke hurt more than anything physical I could have done. I now spend the rest of my life regretting the unchangeable.
I see visions of me with other people, lots of people. Some I will never ever see again, but many of whom I still have a relationship with, family and friends.
I have days when I sit and think about one thing I said to someone and then the flood gates open and suddenly I am sitting totally overcome by the influx of thoughts and moments, words and emotions, some regretful some not. But they weigh heavy on me and I am a suck, especially when it comes to pain and sadness both of which I have a lot of in my life. So once I start the process it usually ends with a bang.
I am a depressed, not sure exactly what that means but I am. I am sad as opposed to happy most of the time, unless I'm with someone. For me being alone affords too much time to think ad if I spend too many hours or days I easily fall into a thinking depression. I wouldn't say a dangerous depression, I don't have thoughts about suicide or anything, but I do think about death.
These are the thinking times I dislike the most because the only way to escape is to sleep, and sleep don't come easy when you're thinking so hard your head hurts. I have many bad thoughts and feelings that haunt me and I try hard to remain focused and in control. Don't get me wrong I am no more deviant or perverted than you, I simply have many regrets that's all and times I wish I could have done or said something different. These are the exact times I am referring to when I mentioned earlier about listening, I should have listened. Instead of talking and becoming the focal point and problem, I could have possibly been the solution simply by listening. I listen much better these days and feel a much more positive reaction from those around me. It is not easy to be a gentleman all the time but it certainly is well worth the effort the remainder of the time.
When I think about death I think about those whom I have lost to death, I think about death in regards to those I love and care about and of course about me. I am an optimist when it comes to death though. I am not a religious person but I consider myself a very spiritual person. I believe in some sort of after life as in reincarnation of sorts perhaps. I believe in karma, reap what you sow, an eye for an eye. I pray to God if you will, my version or what I believe God to be. My God did not create you and I nor the earth and all her flora and fauna. He/She was part of that creation and is part of every living plant and animal since the dawn of time in so far as I perceive God as the energy that connects all living things. When a living thing dies or ceases to exist it's life energy does not die but rather is returned to its origin within God or the energy that is God. Therefore when I say I believe in reincarnation I mean that our living energy never dies but is rather reused for lack of a better term in another life form or several since your energy is part of God's energy pool if you will. Therefore it is highly unlikely that once your energy is reclaimed that you will be aware of any of what is happening, since your person or being died along with your outer shell or body. I believe we are all equal and that includes plants and animals. Each and every living thing no matter how large or small has an energy form and is linked in one way or another to us as human beings. The problem is somewhere along the way we stopped being what we say we are and that is human. The term human has a long history and is a Middle English version of an Old French term humain which came from the Latin term hūmānus, or homō "man", or earthly being. If you think in a religiously founded mind you have a limited time frame with which to reason with, in some cases only a mere 2000 years and in others 10,000 years, but either way you are selling other earth and spirituality short by many millions of years. Before there was religion there was superstition, the supernatural, fear of the unknown, respect for the earth, and a spiritual connection to earth and all living things. Spirituality is as old mankind itself. It was curiosity that lead to deceit and greed which turned into religion with the use of fear. As long as there are weak people or sheep to be lead there will be religious power and bloodshed. I do not believe that even if there were to be a God as so many religions claim, I do not believe that he/she would need money or any contributions from those who pray to him/her and he/she would not want any of his subjects to bow at his knees. No God would truly expect these sort of man-made worshipping practices. The only thing I believe that any sort of God would expect is that we all live in peace and harmony, helping one another in whatever way we can, by respecting one another, by waging peace on war, by giving love and making love, by showing equality amongst all races and believers. A God who does not or care what house you pray in or how it is adorned regardless of how ornate or simple. A God who does not care how rich or poor you are, whether you are man or woman, a farmer or a king. A God who does not want nor care about your praise of him. A God who cannot talk or hear, who cannot be seen or felt. A God that exists with or without us. But a God who cannot so without us, for we are the energy that make him who and what he/she is, for without all of us he would not be. Sounds self serving, perhaps, but I believe in love not war and making peace and getting along. I find I have little to offer but tons to share. Few opinions but many experiences.