Life as it is: February 2010

I would do just about anything to find out what exactly it is that stresses me out to the point of throwing up and retching for 12-14 hours. Unable to sleep unable to find a position that is comfortable. I have altered my lifestyle dramatically and feel that apart from smoking I am living an aware and much healthier life than before. I spent the past 48 hours recovering from just such an attack. I have been taking my medication and following the doctors orders to the best of my ability. I have support at home ie. family and a good list of doctors and am back in therapy to try and gain my strength and mobility so I can return to work. Monday past was my first session with Jim the doctor who is overseeing my progress. We started off lightly in the office on the examination table. Leg stretches and bends to see my ability. I was surprised as to how agile I had remained. We moved into the gym area and I began with leg curls using 40lbs which to my surprise I was able to do with barely any effort, I'll get back to this later. I expressed the fact of how easy and surprised I was to the doctor and we moved the weights up one notch to 50lbs. As with the 40lbs I did 3 sets of 10. Not bad I said to the doctor. He agreed. We moved over to another machine which was also for leg curls but without any back support and you had to lift the weights using the tops of your legs instead of pushing with your feet. I did the same 3 sets of 10. No problem. I was truly amazed at how it was not making me sore. Next and finally, we moved to the stationary bike. I rode with mid tension for 10 mins, breaking a good sweat. No problem. That was that the end of session 1 and I was very happy!
Later that same night, at bedtime, it began. I started off at the side of the bed. Coughing and coughing until I convinced myself I was having an attack and within minutes it was total control. I raced for my towel and house coat and gagging I said to Colette, I'm sorry babe. That was the first of 15 showers I had during the course of my attack...approximately 1 per hour, although there were times when I no sooner got lie down in bed when I got up and ran back in the shower within seconds...so I might have even had more than 15 showers. I know that one time I was in there I may have fallen asleep because I found myself showered with cold water having used all the hot water up. I don't know what it is about water but I find it soothing especially hot water. It seems to make me stop retching within minutes and I find myself so comfortable. Anyway the entire attack probably lasted 20 hours until I was able to take anything in as far as drinking or eating. Here I am 72 hours later feeling better but still not 100% I honestly feel that each of these attacks is aging me. My beard is white, when I shaved this morning my beard would have been white. I feel sad because I don't know what this is or why it is happening to me. This was a problem before my accident and thought it was under control. I worries me.
It puts a huge scare in the rest of the family of course. I can only imagine what it must sound like to hear your father or husband coughing and gagging and choking for the entire night. We live in a fairly small townhouse so there isn't much space for total privacy. God I wish I knew how to control or fend off the power of these attacks. Each time I began gagging during the attack I spoke to God and asked him to please help me...I also remember speaking about him to Colette in anger saying things I dare not write. I hope the words and things I said have long since vanished. Sometimes I am ashamed of how I act out. I know my pain can only be shared with one person and that is me of course yet I lash out trying to make others around me miserable too. I don't know why but that has been the case my entire life. I have never been as even tempered as I am today though that much I have to admit. I honestly have tried very hard to change how and who I am. I am a gentle, kind person and I plan on letting everyone see that. But my life seems to be an up hill climb with just one more thing to get over until I reach the top, and once there it's just one thing to get over until I reach the top. I am getting older with each step and the harder it gets it gets harder I find. I am getting more tired with each step and fear that to stop stepping would be the end of me. I want to remain strong for Colette and the kids and of course for me. I know all the right things and practise them as much as I can, you know stuff like; you have to love yourself to love someone else; God helps those who help themselves...etc.. But it seems that I was meant to feel more pain for some reason even though I have embraced my pre-existing condition being Arthritic, a long time ago. I can live with that pain but the additional pain resulting from both the accident and my stress and/or panic attacks has made life totally without pain or discomfort. Every day I wake up to pain that would keep most people from getting up. Most people would not be able to perform with the pain I endure as they would also not be able to perform taking the medication I take. But I do, I have to, I want to. I need nothing in my life, I am a rich man. I have a beautiful wife Colette, and two wonderful children Rachel and Sean. They call that the million dollar family! Also we had a girl first and it is said that any man can seed a boy, but it takes a gentleman to seed a girl. The funny thing is I usually tell people when meeting them that I am a gentleman first and foremost...I think that's kinda kool then that I/we had girl first! My wife is the smartest person I know, and she may be surprised to hear that but it's true. I trust her judgement more than anyone else. Her biggest weakness is self doubt. She is forever second guessing herself, mostly about me though. It seems she draws from me something that I'm not sure of but she does somehow find strength from me. She has succeeded and excelled at everything she has endeavoured. She nursed and nurtured 15 children which we took in under daycare while she stayed home from work after having Sean. Those kids each and every one of them is gifted with the individual love and attention she gave them. She loved them as if they were her very own, and in some way they were! Coming home form work not only to your own children but 4-5 others...running to greet me at the door...all shouting BUBBA...well I can tell it brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart warm just writing about it. Those kids were loved! And in the midst of this my Oma took ill. Colon cancer. She was in and out of hospital to the point I guess it was too much for my Mom and Dad who reluctantly put her in a Nursing home. The only good thing was that the Nursing home was right around the corner from my house. Colette and I took shifts every day visiting her constantly. It got to be too much and Colette and I decided that Oma was not going to wilt away in the home like the rooms full of other abandoned loved ones. We brought her home to be with us. We gave her our bedroom because it had a bathroom adjacent which would be both private and convenient for Oma. As time went on she required more surgeries and eventually ended up with a colostomy bag after a total bypass. Of course this made home care more difficult and therefore we had a nurse come in three times per week to help with cleaning and bathing. Colette did it all, from changing Oma's diapers int the beginning to removing, cleaning out and replacing of her colostomy bag. At times she did it without any care or reservations but there were times when I'm sure she was tired of doing it for her sake as well as for Oma's sake. When Oma was well her and Colette somehow bonded and they had a way of talking that was beyond me. They were friends I know, because of how lucky I was to have my Oma and that I was able to share her with Colette. Colette knew what a treasure Oma was, and so it began. Christmas with Oma, Easter with Oma...Oma of course was and is my Guardian Angel, having saved my life once in real life and a few times in spirit.Anyways, the pressure and stress this put on the family was put aside as we all pulled it together for Oma. She lived with us for 4 1/2 years until she passed away in my arms. The doctors said she would only live for 6 months when she was institutionalized. We disagreed. So I am blessed to have met 2 Angels in my live, my Oma and my wife.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Anymore

The beginning

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

never enough

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

DFB

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